the perfect girlfriend...

[cdbouncer]

this was too funny not to share :crazy:

Be the perfect girlfriend…

By Jon Wilde Reese and Ryan fizzled out, Britney and K-Fed fell apart, and when the dust cleared, all that remained of each blessed union was a crisp pre-nup to divvy up the belongings. Which got me thinking, Why rely on a legal document to fix the end of a relationship when I can use one to create the ideal relationship? So here it is; my contract for the perfect girlfriend. Laugh at it if you will, ladies, but you are about to get some startling insights onto the male mind.

I, [print your name here] (heretofore referred to as “The Lady”), being of sound mind, have entered into a relationship with [print guy’s name here] (heretofore referred to as “The Man”). By signing below, I hereby agree to abide by all the rules as set out within this contract in perpetuity.

Clause 1: Dates
A. The Lady will eat more than a side salad.

B. The Man will not be expected to plan every date. He will be chivalrous, but he will not be the cruise director of the relationship.

C. If The Lady would like to attend an event that she knows The Man will despise, she is advised to do so with other people (See Clause 5: Extra-Curricular Activities). However, should she deem a night at the ballet, opera, or foreign movie house to be a necessity within the scope of the relationship, she should make plans (transportation, tickets, etc.) for this evening herself.

By accepting this Lady-partisan date, The Man will be guaranteed one (1) date on which both parties participate in an activity of his choice—including, but not limited to: Attending an athletic event, watching a martial-arts movie, or going out for a large BBQ dinner.Clause 2: Dialogue
A. The Lady will never discuss an ex-boyfriend.

Rule 2-A above may be broken if The Lady mentions a deep and abiding flaw in the ex-boyfriend, while also discussing ways in which The Man betters said ex.B. If The Lady wants something or wants to know something, she will ask. There will be no hints or guessing games.

C. Any cute nicknames that The Lady has devised for The Man will never be spoken in public. See Clause 6, Section a, Subsection 3 for explanation.

Furthermore, The Lady may not devise any nickname that includes a diminutive or that is spoken in baby-voice (e.g., “Little John” or “Snuggle Bear”).Clause 3: The Bedroom
A. During moments of physicality, The Lady will voice her wishes so that The Man knows how best to make her enjoy the experience. This is expected not only for her sake, but for his. The Man is a prideful being. He wants to know he can do everything right.

B. The Man reserves the right to his favorite side of the bed at all times, no exceptions. He may permit The Lady to rest on his chosen side if he wishes, but should he find himself tossing and turning at 3 a.m., it his right to reclaim said side with no ill will from The Lady.

Clause 4: Family
A. The Lady will not ask The Man to meet her family until at least one month of dating has been completed.

B. Upon meeting The Man’s mother, The Lady will try to learn as many of Mother Man’s recipes as possible. And yes, The Man likes his chicken that dry.

Clause 5: Extracurricular Activities
A. The Man will be guaranteed at least one Guys’ Night per week, chosen at his discretion. He will also retain at least two extra “floating” Guys’ Nights per month in case of an important sporting event or should an impromptu post-work visit to the bar arise.

B. The Lady can never be angry with a man for attending Guys’ Night.

C. The Lady will not call The Man more than once per Guys’ Night.

D. The Lady is encouraged to go out with her own friends as a means for keeping her independence and sense of self. However, there are ground rules for these engagements:

She will not ask The Man to attend any event on the day of a televised athletic match, any event that involves the phrase “pot luck,” or any event that celebrates the birth of a child, impending or otherwise.
She will not expect The Man to attend a gathering solely because the boyfriend/husband of The Lady’s Friend will also be in attendance. Misery does not make good company.
No. Ex-Boyfriends. Ever.Clause 6: Love
A. Should the two parties remain together long enough to reach Relationship Level: Serious, The Man understands that he will, at some point, be called upon to vocally express his appreciation of The Lady in the strongest method possible. When the time comes, the following rules shall govern the use of Those Three Words Which Shall Not Yet Be Spoken.

The Lady will be the first party to speak the phrase. She will do so clearly and while making eye contact so that The Man knows it is he who is being spoken to. The Lady will allow the man at least five (5) minutes to respond in kind. This reprieve does not mean he doesn’t feel the same way, only that he is apt to be flustered, frightened, and suddenly stricken with cotton-mouth.
After the first time the Man arranges the words “I,” “you,” and “love” into a sentence, he will not be required to do so in response every time The Lady speaks the phrase. The Lady will also accept “Me, too,” “Ditto,” or a high-five in return.
The Lady will never speak the three-worded phrase when The Man is in the presence of either friends or co-workers. This is done out of respect for the mockery that is sure to result should he be forced to reciprocate while with said company.By signing below, you agree to all rules as laid out in this contract, effectively guaranteeing that you will make The Man a truly happy person for the rest of his life, or until you realize that he is a loser who requires his girlfriends to sign legally binding documents.



______________________________
Print your name



______________________________
Signature



______________________________
Date

[pauliep]

haha, that was great. I laughed out a couple times in the duration of reading that.

[VOID]

Bouncer, I think I would like a signed copy of that!

[cdbouncer]

Bouncer, I think I would like a signed copy of that!

Be the perfect girlfriend…(with a few changes of course)

I, cdbouncer (heretofore referred to as “chick”), being of sound mind, have entered into a relationship with VOID (heretofore referred to as “Boy”). By signing below, I hereby agree to abide by all the rules as set out within this contract in perpetuity.

Clause 1: Dates
A. The Chick will eat more than a side salad.

B. The Boy will not be expected to plan every date. He will be a sarcastic, fun and entertaining, but he will not be the cruise director of the relationship.

C. If The chick would like to attend an event that she knows The Boy will despise, she is advised to do so with other people (See Clause 5: Extra-Curricular Activities). However, should she deem a night at the baseball game, races, or porn movie house to be a necessity within the scope of the relationship, she should make plans (transportation, tickets, etc.) for this evening herself.

By accepting this chick-partisan date, The boy will be guaranteed one (1) date on which both parties participate in an activity of his choice—including, but not limited to: Attending a big wheel event, watching a vampire movie, or going out for a sushi dinner.Clause 2: Dialogue
A. The chick will never discuss an exboyfriend .

Rule 2-A above may be broken if The chick mentions a deep and abiding flaw in the ex-boyfriend, while also discussing ways in which The boy betters said ex.B. If The chick wants something or wants to know something, she will ask. There will be no hints or guessing games.

C. Any cute nicknames that The boy has devised for The chick will never be spoken in public. See Clause 6, Section a, Subsection 3 for explanation.

Furthermore, The chick may not devise any nickname that includes a diminutive or that is spoken in baby-voice (e.g., “Little John” or “Snuggle Bear”).Clause 3: The Bedroom
A. During moments of physicality, The chick will voice her wishes so that The boy knows how best to make her enjoy the experience. This is expected not only for her sake, but for his. The boy is a prideful being. He wants to know he can do everything right.

B. The boy reserves the right to his favorite side of the bed at all times, no exceptions. He may permit The chick to rest on his chosen side if he wishes, but should he find himself tossing and turning at 3 a.m., it his right to reclaim said side with no ill will from The chick.

Clause 4: Family
A. The chick will not ask The boy to meet her family until at least one month of dating has been completed.

B. Upon meeting The boy's mother, The chick will try to learn as many of Mother boy's recipes as possible. And yes, The boy likes his chicken that dry.

Clause 5: Extracurricular Activities
A. The boy will be guaranteed at least one Guys’ Night per week, chosen at his discretion. He will also retain at least two extra “floating” Guys’ Nights per month in case of an important sporting event or should an impromptu post-work visit to the bar arise.

B. The chick can never be angry with a man for attending Guys’ Night.

C. The chick will not call The Man more than once per Guys’ Night.

D. The chick is encouraged to go out with her own friends as a means for keeping her independence and sense of self. However, there are ground rules for these engagements:

She will not ask The boy to attend any event on the day of a televised athletic match, any event that involves the phrase “pot luck,” or any event that celebrates the birth of a child, impending or otherwise.
She will not expect The boy to attend a gathering solely because the boyfriend/husband of The chick’s Friend will also be in attendance. Misery does not make good company.
No. Ex-Boyfriends. Ever.Clause 6: Love
A. Should the two parties remain together long enough to reach Relationship Level: Serious, The boy understands that he will, at some point, be called upon to vocally express his appreciation of The chick in the strongest method possible. When the time comes, the following rules shall govern the use of Those Three Words Which Shall Not Yet Be Spoken.

The boy will be the first party to speak the phrase. He will do so clearly and while making eye contact so that The chick knows it is she who is being spoken to. The boy will allow the chick at least five (5) minutes to respond in kind. This reprieve does not mean she doesn’t feel the same way, only that she is apt to be flustered, frightened, and suddenly stricken with cotton-mouth.
After the first time the chick arranges the words “I,” “you,” and “love” into a sentence, she will not be required to do so in response every time The boy speaks the phrase. The boy will also accept “Me, too,” “Ditto,” or a high-five in return.
The chick will never speak the three-worded phrase when The boy is in the presence of either friends or co-workers. This is done out of respect for the mockery that is sure to result should he be forced to reciprocate while with said company.By signing below, you agree to all rules as laid out in this contract, effectively guaranteeing that you will make The Man a truly happy person for the rest of his life, or until you realize that he is a loser who requires his girlfriends to sign legally binding documents.

cdbouncer

______________________________
Print your name


cdbouncer
______________________________
Signature

??-??-2006

______________________________
Date

[rybo]

pwnd....

[Suki]

sooo void and bouncer are dating? people date within csc? amazing. :lol: