Sully
Fri Oct 12th, 2007, 02:22 PM
>Dear Alcohol,
>
>First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my
>friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work
>cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around at the holidays
>(hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst
>of endless family gatherings). However, lately I've been wondering
>about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best
>interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:
>
>1. Phone Calls and text messages: While I agree with you that
>communication is important, I question the suggestion that any
>conversation after 2 a.m. can have much substance or necessity. Why
>would you make me call my ex's? Especially when I know, for a fact,
>they DO NOT want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of
>the night.
>
>2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal. But, why do you suggest
>that I eat a taco with chili sauce along with a big Italian meatball
>and some stale chips (washed down with wine & topped off with a Kit Kat
>AFTER a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater
>but, I think you went too far this time.
>
>3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do
>more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer this issue
>home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the
>black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are
>beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to
>get the front door key into the lock.
>
>4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop! This is getting
>ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's
>debauchery may be in order. But, the 3 p.m. hangover immobility is
>completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that if the
>proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products,
>aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out (face down on the kitchen
>floor with a bag of popcorn or whatever). The hangover should be
>minimal and in no way interfere with my daily activities.
>
>Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would
>like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of
>great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed
>companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.
>
>In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review
>my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an
>answer no later than Friday 3 p.m. (pre happy hour) on your possible solutions.
>And hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
>
>Thank you,
>
>Your Biggest Fan
>
>P.S. Please take a moment or two and note the following items below
>that I think may be of some interest to you.
>
>THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
>
>1. Innovative
>
>2. Preliminary
>
>3. Proliferation
>
>4. Cinnamon
>
>THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
>
>1. Specificity
>
>2. British Constitution
>
>3. Passive-Aggressive Disorder
>
>THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
>
>1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
>
>2. Nope, no more beer for me.
>
>3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
>
>4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
>
>5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
>
>First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my
>friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work
>cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around at the holidays
>(hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst
>of endless family gatherings). However, lately I've been wondering
>about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best
>interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:
>
>1. Phone Calls and text messages: While I agree with you that
>communication is important, I question the suggestion that any
>conversation after 2 a.m. can have much substance or necessity. Why
>would you make me call my ex's? Especially when I know, for a fact,
>they DO NOT want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of
>the night.
>
>2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal. But, why do you suggest
>that I eat a taco with chili sauce along with a big Italian meatball
>and some stale chips (washed down with wine & topped off with a Kit Kat
>AFTER a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater
>but, I think you went too far this time.
>
>3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do
>more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer this issue
>home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the
>black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are
>beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to
>get the front door key into the lock.
>
>4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop! This is getting
>ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's
>debauchery may be in order. But, the 3 p.m. hangover immobility is
>completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that if the
>proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products,
>aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out (face down on the kitchen
>floor with a bag of popcorn or whatever). The hangover should be
>minimal and in no way interfere with my daily activities.
>
>Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would
>like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of
>great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed
>companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.
>
>In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review
>my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an
>answer no later than Friday 3 p.m. (pre happy hour) on your possible solutions.
>And hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
>
>Thank you,
>
>Your Biggest Fan
>
>P.S. Please take a moment or two and note the following items below
>that I think may be of some interest to you.
>
>THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
>
>1. Innovative
>
>2. Preliminary
>
>3. Proliferation
>
>4. Cinnamon
>
>THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
>
>1. Specificity
>
>2. British Constitution
>
>3. Passive-Aggressive Disorder
>
>THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
>
>1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
>
>2. Nope, no more beer for me.
>
>3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
>
>4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
>
>5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.