Piece of String

[shift shiftly]

well there's this piece of string and he's having an awfull day.....
so he walks into a bar for a desperately needed beer goes upto the bar and says bartended gimme a budwieser !
the bartender looks at the piece of string with amazement and confusion :shocked: He replies I cant serve you here your a piece of string !
Sooo the piece of string leaves even more upset and unaccepted :cry:
he storms out not watching where he was going unaware of the semi truck heading his way ! Blammmm !
now he's all tangled up twisted and fraid at the ends.......
he marches right back into that bar and demands a BEER !!
the bartender says arent you the piece of string that was just in here ?
The string replies "NO im a fraid not"

Shift

[Aracheon]

....

That was bad.

[shift shiftly]

lol ...............:drink:

Shift

[Tipys]

plus 1

[shift shiftly]

Tipys do you have the day off ? wanna do lunch or go for a spin??

Shift

[asp_125]

Man walks into a bar.....








and says OUCH!

[pilot]

That piece of string joke is a classic. OK to tell kids, too. I like it.

Now, there's the one about three guys that go into the desert....

[Tipys]

Naw I do not have the day off due to my roommate. And my project bike i need all the money i can get right now other wise I would be all for it.

[Devaclis]

Know how to catch a polar bear?


Dig a big hole in the ice





Put a bunch of peas around that hole



When the polar bear comes by and he tries to take a pea, kick him in the ice hole!!!

[asp_125]

Baby seal walks into a bar, bartender asks what'll you have?

Seal says "anything but a Canadian Club"

[rybo]

Guy walks into a bar and is immediately greeted by a patron sitting at the bar.

The patron says, hey, check this out! I have a talking dog. Guy says, no way, dogs can't talk. So the patron offers up a wager. I tell you what he says, I'll ask the dog a question and if he doesn't talk then I'll buy you a drink, but if he does you owe me one. The guy thinks this is a total winner for him, so he antes up.

The patron asks the dog: What's on top of a building?

Dog says: Roof!

The guy realizes he's been taken, and calls the patron out. That's cheating, he says. So the patron, offended, offers the guy a second chance. I tell you what, the patron says, double or nothing, but this time YOU can ask the question. The guy, sure he has this one takes the patron up on the deal.

Guy: "who was the greatest baseball player ever?"

Dog: "Ruth!"

Disgusted the guy throws his drink and storms out of the bar.

dog looks at it's owner and says "Guess he was a DiMaggio fan"

[siriuschris]

An old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern
and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

CHEESEBURGER: $1.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $2.50

HAND JOB: $40.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.

'Yes?' she inquires with a knowing smile, 'can I help you?

'I was wondering,' whispers the old biker, 'are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?'

'Yes,' she purrs, 'I am.'

The old biker replies, 'Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger.

[Aracheon]

An old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern
and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

CHEESEBURGER: $1.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $2.50

HAND JOB: $40.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.

'Yes?' she inquires with a knowing smile, 'can I help you?

'I was wondering,' whispers the old biker, 'are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?'

'Yes,' she purrs, 'I am.'

The old biker replies, 'Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger.



:lol: :lol:

[salsashark]

Two sausages are lying in a pan next to each other.

The first sausage rolls over and says, "Boy, it's hot in this pan!"

The other sausage screams, "HOLY S*&%, A TALKING SAUSAGE!"

[pilot]

Morris and his wife Ester went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say,
'Ester, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.

'Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said,
'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride.
If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you!
But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fan cy maneuvers,
but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said,
'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Ester fell out,
but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

[Rednarb]

A horse walks into a local bar.

Bartender says, "Hey there, why the long face?"

[Devaclis]

Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some fuckin’ French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin’ French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the fuckin’ French toast."

[Sortarican]

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging from his belt. The bartender asks, "What's that for?" The pirate responds, "Aarrr, its driving me nuts".

A default Sans Serif font walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve your type here!"

A guy walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender says, "Can I help you?" The duck says, "Yeah, you can get this guy off my butt!"

A corn stalk walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wanna hear a good joke?" The corn stalk says, "I'm all ears!"

Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.

A giraffe walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Do you want a long neck?" The giraffe says, "Do I have a choice?"

A guy walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Do you want to play a game? See those two rib-eyes nailed to the ceiling? You get to throw one dart. If you hit one, you get to take them home and I'll give you a free drink." The man says, "No thanks, the steaks are too high."

A guy walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, "Can I have a bag of helicopter flavor chips?" The barkeep says, "Sorry, we only have plain."

A guy walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. "What do you call that?", asks the bartender. "I call him Tiny, because he's my newt!"

A soccer ball walks into a bar. The bartender kicked him out.


A giraffe walks into a bar. "High balls are on me!"

A magician walks down an alley and turns into a bar.

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"

A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says "We don't serve your kind here." and the mushroom says - "Why not? I'm a fungi."

An amnesiac comes into a bar. He asks, "Do I come here often?"

John Kerry, Jay Leno, and Celine Dion walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long faces?"

A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"

A man goes into a bar with a giraffe, they both get a couple of rounds in. When they get up to leave they're extremely drunk and the giraffe passes out and falls over. The man opens the door, about to leave by himself, when the bartender stops him suddenly and says, "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there!" The man turns around and slurs, "Don't be silly, that's not a lion, that's a giraffe!"

A man runs into a bar and asks the barkeep, "Give me ten shots of your best whisky." The bartender sets up the ten glasses. The man starts drinking them as quickly as the bartender serves them. The bartender asks, "Why are you drinking so fast?" "You'd drink fast too, if you had what I have." The bartender asks, "What do you have?" "Seventy cents."


A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender sets the beer down and says, "For you, no charge!"

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."

A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?" The bartender asks, "I don't know, what does he look like?"

A kangaroo walks into a bar. He orders a beer. The bartender says, "That'll be $10. You know, we don't get many kangaroos coming in here, you know." The kangaroo says, "At $10 a beer, it's not hard to understand."

A hamburger walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and hears a small voice say, "You look nice today." A few minutes later he again hears a small voice, "That's a nice shirt." The guy asks the bartender, "Who is that?" The bartender says, "Those are the peanuts. They're complimentary!"

A bear walked into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer......and some of those peanuts." The bartender says, "Why the big pause?"

A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says, "No, son, you're not." So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest says, "No, son, you're not." The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"

A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"

A goldfish walks into a bar and looks at the bartender. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The goldfish says, "Water."

Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. "I can't serve you." says the bartender. "You're Bard!"

A guy walks into a bar and there is a horse behind the bar serving drinks. The guy is just staring at the horse, when the horse says, "What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?" The guy says, "No, I never thought the parrot would sell the place."


A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, "Hey buddy, can't you read that sign? It says no dogs allowed! Get that mutt out of here!" The man replies, "No, I can't read the sign - I'm blind, and this is my seeing eye dog." The bartender is embarrassed and gives the man a beer on the house. Later that day, the guy is telling his friend about it: "I told him I was blind and I got a free beer!" The friend then takes his dog into the bar and sits down, and the bartender says, "The sign says no dogs allowed! You'll have to leave!" The friend says, "Sorry, I can't see the sign because I'm blind, and this is my seeing eye dog." The bartender replies, "Since when do they give out Chihuahuas as seeing eye dogs?" The man says, "They gave me a Chihuahua?"


A man walked into a bar holding an alligator. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" The bartender said, "Yes, we do!" "Good," replied the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my alligator."

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer, and a mop."

A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

A brain walks into a bar and orders a pint of beer. The barman says, "I'm not serving you, you're out of your skull!"

An Irishman walks out of a bar. Hey, it COULD happen!

A dyslexic guy walks into a bra.

[siriuschris]

Two peanuts were walking down the street...













One was assaulted.

[siriuschris]

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No eye deer.

What do you call a dead deer with no eyes?

Still, no eye deer.

[Devaclis]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v193/kastro662/forums/theterminator.jpg

[siriuschris]

OK WTF GDI TMI IMO FWIW

[SaShWhO]

what does an elephant use for a tampon??????????

sheep.




so i was fingering your mom the other night and after she said:
that felt really nice but next time could you take of your ring!!??

I replied---------that was my watch---biatch:hump:!


how do you know when you've landed at a gay BBQ????






all the hot dogs taste like SHIT:(.

[salsashark]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v47/Fantaloonastic/ban_him.jpg

[Joecycle]

REPSOLSASH just found a great way to ruin an awesome thread. :(

[SaShWhO]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v47/Fantaloonastic/ban_him.jpg
BAN WHO?

[SaShWhO]

so sorry joe--did not mean to offend.
o ought to be more considerate of the feeble minded

[SaShWhO]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v47/Fantaloonastic/ban_him.jpg

was it because i wrote SH-t, or because thats the way you like your hotdogs?.
I know--the nerve of this noob-
if this is a church group, please let me know.

[salsashark]

Umm no... It's because you're not funny.

[SaShWhO]

Umm no... It's because you're not funny.
sorry--I'll think up some new material to compliment the string line of 100 year old jokes

[salsashark]

^^ Thank you... that would keep with the overall theme of the thread...

[Sully]

:lol:... I thought he was funny... crude, but funny... lol :oops:

[SaShWhO]

:lol:... I thought he was funny... crude, but funny... lol :oops:
thanks for your support sully,
yours truly
AGENT ORANGE-aka-REPSOLSASH

[salsashark]

Careful there... Sully's always nice right before she strikes! :shock:

http://ihasahotdog.files.wordpress.com/2008/06/funny-dog-pictures-lassie-makes-empty-threats1.jpg

[Sully]

:devious:

[SaShWhO]

Careful there... Sully's always nice right before she strikes! :shock:

http://ihasahotdog.files.wordpress.com/2008/06/funny-dog-pictures-lassie-makes-empty-threats1.jpg
did you say SHE!!??
sully---are you my favorite type of woman on the planet?
one that rides that is!!??

[Sully]

:slap: Damn it Salsa.. you blew my cover dude !

[SaShWhO]

:slap: Damn it Salsa.. you blew my cover dude !
thanks salsa:shocked:.

[Sully]

I don't really ride... I'm a poser...:twisted:

[konichd]

:music:I kissed a girl and I like it...hope my boyfriend don't mind it:music:

[SaShWhO]

I don't really ride... I'm a poser...:twisted:

some would agree that I'm a poser seeing I ride the repsol replica:hump:

[SaShWhO]

REPSOLSASH just found a great way to ruin an awesome thread. :(
many applogies.
my server must have eroneously re-directed me .
I thought i was posting on a biker furum, when obviously this is a church group.
may i burn in eternal hell for this.
forgive me lord for i know not what i do.:cry:

[Sully]

Oh.. you know what's his nuts.. that guy who runs that Christian dating website ?

Well, I have a PornStar Replica as well... muahhahahah :devil2:

[SaShWhO]

Oh.. you know what's his nuts.. that guy who runs that Christian dating website ?

Well, I have a PornStar Replica as well... muahhahahah :devil2:
I senses somethin PORN about you.:hump:

[Sully]

No, I'm just mentally challenged.. :crazy:

[MetaLord 9]

Well, I have a PornStar Replica as well... muahhahahah :devil2:
I've got a pornstar replica, Sully, but it's not a bike...


many applogies.
my server must have eroneously re-directed me .
I thought i was posting on a biker furum, when obviously this is a church group.
may i burn in eternal hell for this.
forgive me lord for i know not what i do.:cry:
You'd probby do better to actually be funny instead of be'n all sarcastic & butt hurt that we didn't love you immediately. Welcome to the board and all but if you're really all about be'n a douche, we're full up of people who make this forum smell like a fresh summer's evening on a regular basis. back to corny jokes now...

[SaShWhO]

No, I'm just mentally challenged.. :crazy:
NOT-
I too have some issues.
wooden leg with a carbon kickstand.
simultaneous bowel and bladder evacuation at roughly 69mph.
huge ears which act like aerofoils even at low speeds.
glass eye.
premature ejaculator.
mad flatulance.
IBS
mild to moderate bipolar disorder.
turretts syndrome--sh_t, f_ck

just to name a few.

[Sully]

:wtf:

[t_jolt]

:wtf:

I think hes hitting on you.... :slappers:

[MetaLord 9]

:leghump:!!!!11!1!

[Sully]

:leghump:FTL.... :lol:.... uhm.. yah, no... :no:.. he's not...

[Rednarb]

NOT-
I too have some issues.
wooden leg with a carbon kickstand.
simultaneous bowel and bladder evacuation at roughly 69mph.
huge ears which act like aerofoils even at low speeds.
glass eye.
premature ejaculator.
mad flatulance.
IBS
mild to moderate bipolar disorder.
turretts syndrome--sh_t, f_ck

just to name a few.

I think your long lost brother, R6SRider, lives in Parker!

[SaShWhO]

oh yeah--almost forgot!
to please salsa and keep the "overall theme of the thread" going on
(who knows there might be more string jokes we haven't heard).

speaking of certain parts of my man anatomy:

I thought it was a STRING until I peed out of it:)

[jimwallace]

:music:I kissed a girl and I like it...hope my boyfriend don't mind it:music:

my wife sings that song when it on, and i still cant get her to do it........... frustrating:banghead:

[Sully]

Find her a hot chick and maybe she'll change her mind :makeout: :eyebrows: :dunno: ???

[t_jolt]

what was that one song by that country singer, (edit Rodney Carington)

" i've got a 12 inch dick and dozen roses and pick up truck full of huba huba hey..."

:)

[y_merkle]

Okay okay another classic joke that is good for the kiddos.

There's a Mommy Mole, a Daddy mole and of course a Baby Mole.
One day Mommy mole pops her head out of the "Mole Hole" and says, "I smell something good in the air."
Curious Daddy mole decides to pop his head out the "Mole Hole" to sniff the air. "Your right, I think it smells like ginger."
"No , No I think it smells like honey." Says Mommy mole.
Finally Baby Mole who is trying to squeeze between Mommy and Daddy Mole says......
"No No, you both are wrong.... it smell like Mole-asses!" Get it huh huh huH!

[siriuschris]

HA!

[Chilly]

ok, this might offend a few people, but isn't that why we are here anyway


Why do African Americans have nightmares??

Cause we killed the only one that had a dream..




Don't hate me, I'm just bringing back the jokes to the thread

From the keyboard of such a "hot woman???" :wtf: :( I hope this "we" you speak of doesn't include me, or anyone I am around.... I know it's supposed to be funny... *sore spot*

[dominatrix]

sorry, I knew it would offend some... not my beliefs or feelings, just one of the only jokes I remember bc of how rude it is... I offically issue a huge MEA CULPA (sp)

[Nerves]

A man walks into a bar on the 3rd floor of a nice hotel and sits next to a man in a expencive suit and glasses. After ordering his drink the man next to him orders a shot of the "good stuff". The bartender pours the drink and the man downs the drink in a hurry. :drink: After a few seconds the man in the suit gets up, runs to the open window and jumps out. :shocked:With a stuned look on his face the man looks at the bartender and says "dont just stand there, call 911"!! The bartender just contenues to wipe down the bar and not long after the man in the suit walks in the door and sits back down. Stuned and not quite sure what to say the man just sits and stares as the man in the suit repeats the prosses two more times returning unharmed each time. So the man turnes to the bartender and demands "the good stuff'. After he downs it, he runs for the window and jumps. The bartender shakes his head and picks up the phone. As he diles 911 he looks at the man in the suit and says, "Your such a dick when your drunk Superman".

[tarded400]

A man with a monkey walks into a bar. The monkey hops onto the bar, grabs a peanut and shoves it down his throat. Then, he hops over to the pretzels and swallows one. Finally, the monkey jumps over to the pool table and swallows the cue ball. The bartender gets mad and makes him leave.
The man comes in the next day, and the monkey hops onto the bar, grabs a peanut, and sticks it up his butt then eats it. Then, he grabs a pretzel and sticks it up his butt, then eats it. The bartender gets angry again and asked what is wrong with the monkey- the man says "Well, after the cue ball, he measures everything first."




A preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. 'How much do you want for the mower?' asked the preacher.
'I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle,' said the little boy. After a mom ent of consideration, the preacher asked, Will you take my bike in trade for it?'
The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said, 'Mister, you've got yourself a deal.'
The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower.
The preacher called the little boy over and said, 'I can't get this mower to start.'
The little boy said, 'That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started.' The preacher said, I can't cuss. It's been so long since I became a Christian that I don't even remember how to cuss.' The little boy looked at him happily and said, 'You just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya.

[gtn]

A boy was crossing campus one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, 'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.


Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The boy said, "Look, I'm an engineer and I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

[SaShWhO]

what do you say to a one legged hitch hiker???-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------??????














hop in !