Devaclis
Wed Jul 23rd, 2008, 09:43 AM
New Rule:
No more gift registries. You know, it used to be
just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes
and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want
and having other people buy it for you isn't gift
giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule:
Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com!
There's a reason you don't talk to people for 40+
years. Because you don't particularly like them!
Besides, I already know what the captain of the football
team is doing these days --- mowing my lawn.
New Rule:
Don't eat anything that's served to you out a
window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all
shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of
Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What
did you expect it to contain? Lobster?
New Rule:
Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
blonde teachers are permanently damaged . I have a better
description for these kids: 'Lucky bastards.'
New Rule:
Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how
much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them?
Good, we're done.
New Rule:
There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at
the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want
flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule:
The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the jackass. If
you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla,
double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low,
and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a HUGE JACKASS!
New Rule:
I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,'
verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to
be ringing me up is standing there eating my Mars Bar.
New Rule:
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass.
And it translates to 'Beef with Broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant.
You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule:
If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone
in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something
was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule:
And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I
just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a
fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands
New Rule:
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a
cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule:
If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than Minimum wage, then for
God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying,
'Do you want fries with that?'
No more gift registries. You know, it used to be
just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes
and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want
and having other people buy it for you isn't gift
giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule:
Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com!
There's a reason you don't talk to people for 40+
years. Because you don't particularly like them!
Besides, I already know what the captain of the football
team is doing these days --- mowing my lawn.
New Rule:
Don't eat anything that's served to you out a
window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all
shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of
Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What
did you expect it to contain? Lobster?
New Rule:
Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
blonde teachers are permanently damaged . I have a better
description for these kids: 'Lucky bastards.'
New Rule:
Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how
much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them?
Good, we're done.
New Rule:
There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at
the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want
flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule:
The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the jackass. If
you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla,
double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low,
and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a HUGE JACKASS!
New Rule:
I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,'
verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to
be ringing me up is standing there eating my Mars Bar.
New Rule:
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass.
And it translates to 'Beef with Broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant.
You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule:
If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone
in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something
was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule:
And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I
just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a
fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands
New Rule:
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a
cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule:
If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than Minimum wage, then for
God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying,
'Do you want fries with that?'