What really Grinds Your Gears?

[Devaclis]

I do not like folding t-shirts. I can get the sleeves to line up but the bottom always seems to have the seams misaligned or something.

I hate undoing twist ties from video cables shipped by Dell. Do you HAVE to twist the exactly 47 times to secure a cable?

Folding paper bags drives me nuts! I can never get the creases lined up to fold them the first time.

Waiting in line behind ANYONE writing a check. Really? A check? coooommmmmmoooooonnnnnn!!!!!

When I get a twisty cone at DQ and they do not fill the bottom of the cone with ice cream, they only fill the top. Who wants to eat a dry empty cone?

[dapper]

Motorcyclist riding with baby leads to 3 arrests (http://www.9news.com/news/article.aspx?storyid=124240&provider=top&catid=188)


People who say, "thank you for your patience". They assumed incorrectly...:)

[Skinbabe]

How about folding fitted sheets... it never works and always ends up a wrinkled mess. Makes me cranky.

[UglykidJoe]

When I say "without tomato" and still get it.

The amount of mustard placed on the simple cheezeburger at BK, they must get paid per ounce used or something.

Suddenly getting disconnected from xbox live when I am kicking ass at COD4.

The packaging on any thing for my daughter, my goodness you would think a Bratz Doll was the most valuable thing in the world they way the bundle those things up.

having a thousand plastic bags from the grocery store and not being able to find one when I need one.

Not being able to find the right flapper for the toilet, I own more fucking flappers that don't fit a single toilet in my house, aauugghh!!

[Sean]

kittah pics :(

[Devaclis]

Fitted sheets can go to hell! haha I just wad them up in a ball and stuff them in a closet until I need them

[TheStig]

Word to that on the fitted sheets, stupidest invention ever.

Oral noises drive me crazy, the thought of listening to someone eat cereal makes me want to scream.

OOOh the old Lone Tree people that sit outside the Apple store in Park Meadows playing with their iphones!

[salsashark]

The security guard that asks, EVERY DAY, where the "rest" of my bike is... Because windscreens and chrome are somehow absolute necessities?

Nice guy, but really?! Once was funny, 317 times... not funny anymore, just annoying.

[Squisha]

Oral noises drive me crazy, the thought of listening to someone eat cereal makes me want to scream.

Word.

When I was growing up, my stepfather HATED that--lip smacking, scraping teeth on your fork, slurping, etc. Those were offenses worth a-paddlin'. So now I hate them too. Sometimes I feel a very strong urge to take a wooden spoon to the Indian guy in the cube next to me. Do they have medication for that?

[Devaclis]

The people in my building who ask me every day "Did you ride in today? Arent' you cold"

[rforsythe]

Downshifting without using the clutch usually grinds them pretty good...

[mtnairlover]

Not a whole lot...

Well, cept for people who say one thing and then do another.

Also, talking a big game and then never producing...seriously? Step up, or gtfo!

[Devaclis]

HTFU

[CBRSue]

People who only call me when they need a favor or advice or something... don't get me wrong, I'm cool with helpin' out my fellow man/woman but a lead in with a "How've ya been," now and again would be nice.

[Sean]

People who drive slow in the left lane! :guns:

[mtnairlover]

People who only call me when they need a favor or advice or something... don't get me wrong, I'm cool with helpin' out my fellow man/woman but a lead in with a "How've ya been," now and again would be nice.

How've ya been, Sue? Haven't talked with ya in ages. Hope all is well. :)

[Keepitgreen]

Well, cept for people who say one thing and then do another.

Also, talking a big game and then never producing...seriously? Step up, or gtfo!

And just who the hell are you callin' out Cathy!
Say it!
:drink:

[MetaLord 9]

People who post threads and polls about process based, useless information, idiosyncratic tasks like my teeth & how I brush them, my underware and what I wear, how I post and what I post to.

people who post in a thread that they might come to an event, but don't offer any reason as to what's keeping them from coming. Permissable: "I might come to this event because I would like to but have already made a prior commitment which I am now trying to wriggle out of." Not permissable: "I might be there" which implies that you might be there if people you think are cool are going to be there, there's going to be free beer, you can look cool being there and others can see you being cool, etc.

People who can't figure out that there are two fucking lanes of traffic for two speeds of drivers and that if you're in the left lane and going slower than those in the right lane, I get the right to punch you in each testicle.

Douchebags on any kind of public transportation or in any kind of public space that insist on talking on their phone like they're yelling across a busy street. No one cares that you got so drunk last night and took a huge shit this morning because of it.

Hippies.

People who butcher the English Language and then insist that they're using it properly. News flash: There's no "b" in supposedly, no "t" in across, and if you've ever used the word "irregardless" in anything more than a jest or example of poor language skills, you should be dragged out the street and shot.

People who have replaced politeness with indifference, surliness, or self loathing

Arrogance

Douchebags who walk into a place looking to bow up at any given opportunity. "You're walk'n into the bathroom, I was just IN the bathroom, you wanna go tough guy?"

The fact that places that are fun to hang out at and enjoy others company too often charge for one beer what it would cost me for a 6 pack & a slim jim.

People who can't man up and appologize or take responsibility for their actions

Racists

The E! Television channel

The fact that the only thing you can learn on The Learning Channel nowadays is how to turn your wife's body into a baby factory and publicly end your marriage as messily as possible.

Anything that has been in a People magazine, ever.

People who think that just because I don't like something, that I'm stupid, ignorant, or motivated by hate. Sorry, just because your rap song sucks, doesn't make me a racist.

The fact that people seem to put as much thought into marriage and children nowadays as they put into destroying their credit and less thought than they put into which shirt to wear today.

People who think that I should subsidize their problems

People who think that no matter what crime, act of incredible stupidity, or gross atrocity of morals they've committed, they've got rights that they think keep them from getting into trouble. You had the right to not break the law. You had the right to remain silent. Why don't I ever hear people defending those rights?

People who bring two facts to an argument but continue to argue long after those facts have been discussed and put to bed, just to be right. A debate is when two or more people consider each others ideas with an open mind to produce an amicable solution. If you can't reasonably consider the opinions of anyone other than those who agree with you, then you're not in a debate, you're in a yelling match and you need to take it outside.

When the time between commercial breaks seems shorter than either of the commercial breaks

Idiots

People with bumper stickers that say anything other than "student driver"

Drivers who almost kill you on the road and then look at you like you are the one driving like a jackass.

Motorcycle thieves

Poor sports

The entire state of California and anyone who refers to it as "cali." When I'm on a trip, I don't go on for hours about how great "colo" is and how you wouldn't understand if you didn't live there.

It's only a Jeep thing that I wouldn't understand if "Jeep" is French for "douchebag."

Drivers who would rather drive themselves off the road or wreck their car into you rather then tap the breaks and merge into an open spot behind you. If you're coming over and there's nothing I can do to stop you then I feel obligated to point to you that my car is bigger than yours, the pieces are cheaper, and I don't really care what happens to it.

Attention whores who can't find an opinion to stick to

People who insist on doing things poorly and then refuse to accept any help, constructive criticism, or acknowledge that there might be room for improvement.

When people don't realize that the word "at" is superfluous and should end virtually no sentence. "Were are you at?" Really? Let's try it again. "Where are you?" See? You just saved yourself a whole word.

How political battles are quickly becoming less about the issues at hand and more about being right.

The fact that now I'm all pissed off and I've still got 7 more hours of work to go.

[Matty]

Downshifting without using the clutch usually grinds them pretty good...
not if you have a slipper.



people driving slower than the flow of traffic in the carpool lanes and/or far left lane.

people who don't return phone calls. But demand they be called back at the drop of a hat.

people that worry to much about other people.

post whores!!!! lol.

[Keepitgreen]

People who post threads and polls about process based, useless information, idiosyncratic tasks like my teeth & how I brush them, my underware and what I wear, how I post and what I post to.

people who post in a thread that they might come to an event, but don't offer any reason as to what's keeping them from coming. Permissable: "I might come to this event because I would like to but have already made a prior commitment which I am now trying to wriggle out of." Not permissable: "I might be there" which implies that you might be there if people you think are cool are going to be there, there's going to be free beer, you can look cool being there and others can see you being cool, etc.

People who can't figure out that there are two fucking lanes of traffic for two speeds of drivers and that if you're in the left lane and going slower than those in the right lane, I get the right to punch you in each testicle.

Douchebags on any kind of public transportation or any kind of public space that insist on talking on their phone like they're yelling across a busy street. No one cares that you got so drunk last night and took a huge shit this morning because of it.

Hippies.

People who butcher the English Language and then insist that they're using it properly. News flash: There's no "b" in supposedly, no "t" in across, and if you've ever used the word "irregardless" in anything more than a jest or example of poor language skills, you should be dragged out the street and shot.

People who have replaced politeness with indifference, surliness, or self loathing

Arrogance

Douchebags who walk into a place looking to bow up at any given opportunity. "You're walk'n into the bathroom, I was just IN the bathroom, you wanna go tough guy?"

The fact that places that are fun to hang out at and enjoy others company too often charge for one beer what it would cost me for a 6 pack & a slim jim.

People who can't man up and appologize or take responsibility for their actions

Racists

The E! Television channel

The fact that the only thing you can learn on The Learning Channel nowadays is how to turn your wife's body into a baby factory and publicly end your marriage as messily as possible.

Anything that has been in a People magazine, ever.

People who think that just because I don't like something, that I'm stupid, ignorant, or motivated by hate. Sorry, just because your rap song sucks, doesn't make me a racist.

The fact that people seem to put as much thought into marriage and children nowadays as they put into destroying their credit and less thought than they put into which shirt to wear today.

People who think that I should subsidize their problems

People who think that no matter what crime they've, act of incredible stupidity, or gross atrocity of morals they've committed, they've got rights that they think keep them from getting into trouble. You had the right to not break the law. You had the right to remain silent. Why don't I ever hear people defending those rights?

People who bring few facts to an argument but continue to argue long after those facts have been discussed and put to bed, just to be right. A debate is when two or more people consider each others ideas with an open mind to produce an amicable solution. If you can't reasonably consider the opinions of anyone other than those who agree with you, then you're not in a debate, you're in a yelling match and you need to take it outside.

When the time between commercial breaks seems shorter than either of the commercial breaks

Idiots

People with bumper stickers that say anything other than "student driver"

Drivers who almost kill you on the road and then look at you like you are the one driving like a jackass.

Motorcycle thieves

Poor sports

The entire state of California and anyone who refers to it as "cali." When I'm on a trip, I don't go on for hours about how great "colo" is and how you wouldn't understand if you didn't live there.

It's only a Jeep thing that I wouldn't understand if "Jeep" is French for "douchebag."

Drivers who would rather drive themselves off the road or attempt to smash into you rather then tap the breaks and merge into an open spot. If you're coming over and there's nothing I can do to stop you then I feel obligated to remind you that my car is bigger than yours, the pieces are cheaper, and I don't really care what happens to it.

Attention whores who can't find an opinion to stick to

People insist on doing things poorly and refuse to accept any help, constructive criticism, or acknowledge that there might be room for improvement.

When people don't realize that the word "at" is superfluous and should end virtually no sentence. "Were are you at>" really? Let's try it again. "Where are you?" See? You just saved yourself a whole word.

How political battles are quickly becoming less about issues at hand and more about being right.

The fact that now I'm all pissed and I've still got 7 more hours of work to go.

That's it! Let it out brotha, let it out!

[CBRSue]

How've ya been, Sue? Haven't talked with ya in ages. Hope all is well. :)

Doin' great Cathy-love! THANKS!!! :D I hope all is well with you too. Thanks for posting your ridin' pics throughout the summer - looks like you've had some good riding time in, you go girl!

[Devaclis]

Hey Sue! How are you?



Can I borrow your bike?

[RajunCajun]

People who drive slow in the left lane! :guns:

+ Infinity! I swear, if could carry an RPG, I'd blow 4 r 5 cars off of the road, per day. If I ever rule this stupid world, you stupid slow bastards be wear!

And I hate beets;)

[CBRSue]

Hey Sue! How are you?



Can I borrow your bike?

:lol: Now that's more like it!

[Zach929rr]

Tell us how you really feel Chris.

I think most of my gear grindary has been thoroughly covered in this thread.

[LadyT]

I would take up about a whole page if I listed all my things.....oh my goodness I just realized Im a hard person to deal with :banghead:

[Devaclis]

You know what grinds my pelvis.......

[MetaLord 9]

^^A bone saw and a motorcycle in your lap?

[TFOGGuys]

The jackass that honked at me for daring to stop at a red light before turning right.Just almost put my sidestand down to go have a discussion with said assmunch about traffic regulations, and what he could do with that horn.


Something that doesn't grind my gears:

The amazing view of the mountains this morning coming west on I-70 from Aurora. If only I'd had a camera!

[Shea]

Mayonnaise

People who think appeals to emotion are profound arguments

Hypocrites

Cheaters

Liars

People who love to proclaim how much they are for liberty then proceed to tell you how much they hate gay marriage, drugs, prostitution, porn, religion, etc.

People who, under the guise of compassion, strip every facet of power from an individual...and the people that applaud them for it.

People who use slogans like "power to the people" when what they really advocate is power to the state.

Pretty much Chris, on a daily basis... :)

[MetaLord 9]

Pretty much Chris, on a daily basis... :)
I knew it couldn't be a hate thread with $.02 from Shea! :lol:

Oh, and you forgot ClusterMagnent :D

[Shea]

I knew it couldn't be a hate thread with $.02 from Shea! :lol:

Oh, and you forgot ClusterMagnent :D

Nah, that guys own hate will take care of itself...

Honestly I haven't thought about him until you guys brought it up.

[MetaLord 9]

Honestly I haven't thought about him until you guys brought it up.
Good! So that's another one I can check off the list for the day! :D

[Devaclis]

Mayonnaise



When you don't drink, people always need to know why. They're like, 'You don't drink? Why?' This never happens with anything else. 'You don't use mayonnaise? Why? Are you addicted to mayonnaise? Is it OK if I use mayonnaise?'

/JimGaffagan

[Shea]

oh...

Monetization of the debt...and the douchebags that say it isn't happening...

[Matty]

^^A bone saw and a motorcycle in your lap?
once again, post whores!

[t_jolt]

I would take up about a whole page if I listed all my things.....oh my goodness I just realized Im a hard person to deal with :banghead:



Just now? :)

text me when you get a chance bum...

[Horsman]

Riding with someone who has a concealed carry constitution...
Seeing a red box on the ohhh.. for the luv of sexy woman.. Potentially NSFW (http://www.cosportbikeclub.org/forums/showthread.php?t=30122) section
getting my fingers stuck in my rear sprocket.
Putting the wrong NOS into my Gas tank
and getting hit with Meteors on the highway.

[Keepitgreen]

When you don't drink, people always need to know why. They're like, 'You don't drink? Why?' This never happens with anything else. 'You don't use mayonnaise? Why? Are you addicted to mayonnaise? Is it OK if I use mayonnaise?'

/JimGaffagan

i was kinda thinking the same thing..
even miracle whip light!
that stuff is like crack!
and those damn veggie straws too... mmmm

[Shea]

and getting hit with Meteors on the highway.

+1
Hate that crap. Happens to me EVERY noob ride. ENOUGH ALREADY!

[MetaLord 9]

once again, post whores!
pot, meet kettle :D

[RajunCajun]

pot, meet kettle :D

Why's it always gotta b a black thang??????

Didn't you say racists grind you gears??????

[Horsman]

+1
Hate that crap. Happens to me EVERY noob ride. ENOUGH ALREADY! Yeah that Last one knocked the Crepes right out of my back pocket...

[Shea]

Yeah that Last one knocked the Crepes right out of my back pocket...

Crepes!? You don't need crepes on rides dude. Do you have a license for them??

[Devaclis]

Yeah that Last one knocked the tater totts right out of my back pocket...


fixed.

[Matty]

pot, meet kettle :D
i do post a lot. but not nearly as much as you my friend.

I mean seriously Chris. lol.

Total Posts: 60,875
Posts Per Day: 84.10

[mtnairlover]

Doin' great Cathy-love! THANKS!!! :D I hope all is well with you too. Thanks for posting your ridin' pics throughout the summer - looks like you've had some good riding time in, you go girl!

Awe shucks....it hadn't been like previous summers where I was off and rubbin' peoples' faces in it...but it was as good as I could get it.:)

Miss ya, hun. I'll try and do some major catchin up next time I see ya in person.

/threadjack ;-)

[Horsman]

Crepes!? You don't need crepes on rides dude. Do you have a license for them??
Hot Pockets never said I couldn't
http://freediscountcouponscode.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/hot-pockets-crispy-crust-cheese-pizza.jpg



fixed.
http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3065/2872154033_4e0ac0c98e.jpg

[Shea]

:music:Hot pockets:music:

Good morning! You're about to call in sick...

[2wheelsgood]

i used to start sentences like "Again, the blee bop foo fla la ala whatever" i thought i made me sound cool.

then i read this thing where some chick broke up with her boyfriend because he was an arrogant ass, and frequently he'd start sentences with, "Again...."

she really went off on it, and i felt all emasculated and like a total fucking dick, and I could almost see the specter of gloria stienam trying to sneak up and cut my cock off with a steak knife.

So I don't start sentences with "Again..." anymore, ever. My wife appreciates it too--next week we're gonna see about getting me toilet trained.

Oh and i read Metalord's post, I think i habitually violate like 90% of everything that pisses him off.

I'll be in the closet, trying to breathe shallow and not make any noise and stuff.

:-)

regards,
2oo

[Devaclis]

Again, dood, don't post like that, where you at?

[Tylar]

Spending 30 minutes picking up dog shit, to spend 10 minutes to mow the grass. :poo:

[MetaLord 9]

Why's it always gotta b a black thang??????

Didn't you say racists grind you gears??????
I dunno, why black people gotta spell it "thang?" Bigot. :D

i do post a lot. but not nearly as much as you my friend.

I mean seriously Chris. lol.

Total Posts: 60,875
Posts Per Day: 84.10
You stop read'n 'em & I'll stop post'n 'em, ace.

[MetaLord 9]

Oh and i read Metalord's post, I think i habitually violate like 90% of everything that pisses him off.
I'll be over to extinguish you shortly.

:D

Nah, Keep your racist, grammatically challenged jeep outta the left lane while you're on the phone and we're cool.

[Horsman]

Again, It is actually safer under the bed than in the closet...
don't you evar watch any horror films???? get under the bed and hope he doesn't find you... Everyone Violates Chris Metalord...

blee bop foo fla la ala whatever blee bop foo fla la ala whatever (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gLQi6vv0Ih8)

[Matty]

You stop read'n 'em & I'll stop post'n 'em, ace.
you stop post'n em and i'll stop read'n em, sweetheart.

[MetaLord 9]

you stop post'n em and i'll stop read'n em, sweetheart.
Listen baby, you can't triple stamp a double stamp. So why don't you stop read'n my posts and it'll be like I'm not even here, chief. That work for you pal? Just make sure you're having fun, guy. I wouldn't want this to be a bad experience, kid. I mean come on, what else are you do'n today, buddy?



:D :D :D :D
mush love matteh!

[Flip]

People who wait in line at a fast food joint for 15 minutes and then dont know what they want when it is their turn.

People being rude to any type of service employees.

Motorcyclist that ride with their turn signals on forreeevvver.

The car behind me riding my arse when it is the car in front of me going slow.

Screaming kids- deaf parents

[MetaLord 9]

The car behind me riding my arse when it is the car in front of me going slow.
For this reason alone, I have considered a tail turret for my car.

[RajunCajun]

When the bass from the car behind me rattles my mirrors and I can't even hear my own music, in bumper 2 bumper traffic, with no RPG.

When the duchebag on gixer 600 in front of me has to rev up to the limiter and try pathetically to whellie from EVERY light to the next.

[ghostrider_9]

I do not like folding t-shirts. I can get the sleeves to line up but the bottom always seems to have the seams misaligned or something.


This is just for you then. >LINKY< (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-df-Qq829fg)

Don't worry, it is safe for work. I wouldn't send something that would get you in trouble . . . I'm just trying to help a brother out.

[salsashark]

When the bass from the car behind me rattles my mirrors and I can't even hear my own music, in bumper 2 bumper traffic, with no RPG.

That's a noisy fish!
http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/uncyclopedia/images/6/6c/Bass_player.JPG






I like the bass, the bass that goes vroom
http://jalopnik.com/assets/resources/2007/12/seabasscar.jpg





This car has tons of bass... and lobsters to!
http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1245/1473132993_c4fc7219be.jpg?v=0http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1349/1473985642_9fb389aa75.jpg?v=0

[puckstr]

Being asked the remove my wresting mask while doing a deposit..

Fuckin Rude

[RajunCajun]

That's a noisy fish!
http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/uncyclopedia/images/6/6c/Bass_player.JPG






I like the bass, the bass that goes vroom
http://jalopnik.com/assets/resources/2007/12/seabasscar.jpg

That's how its spelled, no?

[salsashark]

That's how its spelled, no?

Oh yes... absolutely... That's just the first thing that popped into my head. I can't help it.

[RajunCajun]

Oh yes... absolutely... That's just the first thing that popped into my head. I can't help it.

Ha, ok, good stuff, cuz I even googled it!

[Tipys]

At work when people come in within the last hour of closing and you can tell by the way there are dressed they just spent the whole day at the house doing nothing.

[CYCLE_MONKEY]

.....when the condom tears......:shocked:

[MetaLord 9]

.....when the condom tears......:shocked:
...again...

:D

[puckstr]

.....when the condom tears......:shocked:

That's what my parents said

[Sleev]

:music:Hot pockets:music:

There's the vegetarian hot pocket for when you don't want to eat meat, but still want diarhea

[Sleev]

Spending 30 minutes picking up dog shit, to spend 10 minutes to mow the grass. :poo:
I never had a problem with this until you mentioned it

[puckstr]

:music:Hot pockets:music:

There's the vegetarian hot pocket for when you don't want to eat meat, but still want diarhea


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J9c9lAfXQHs

[longrider]

At work when people come in within the last hour of closing and you can tell by the way there are dressed they just spent the whole day at the house doing nothing.

I will twist this the other way and say retail staffers who have an attitude when you walk in 15 minutes before closing. If your business hours are 9 to 5 then customers (who ARE your business) are welcome from 9 to 5, not 9:15 to 4:45. The staff should be reporting to work at 8:45 to have time to get everything ready, and scheduled until 5:15 to have time to shut down.

For the record I do work in retail, and while the sales staff are not my direct responsibility I will say something when I start seeing that attitude.

[Sleev]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J9c9lAfXQHs
I made someone watch this while eating a Hot Pocket yesterday :yumyum:

[MetaLord 9]

I will twist this the other way and say retail staffers who have an attitude when you walk in 15 minutes before closing. If your business hours are 9 to 5 then customers (who ARE your business) are welcome from 9 to 5, not 9:15 to 4:45. The staff should be reporting to work at 8:45 to have time to get everything ready, and scheduled until 5:15 to have time to shut down.

For the record I do work in retail, and while the sales staff are not my direct responsibility I will say something when I start seeing that attitude.
I think Tipys works in a garage work'n on cars. I can see where he'd be pissed if someone had all day to bring their vehicle in and then gets upset when they can't have it back same day despite coming in 15 mins before close

[VryfastRR]

"your headlight is out."

[MetaLord 9]

:lol:

"How fast have you been on that thing?"

[RajunCajun]

Getting laid off

sending out hundreds of resumes and not getting a fucking callback.

being unemployed and broke and a city you don't like

Very Thankful for a woman I love to get my back after I had hers for the past couple years. Thanks baby!

[salsashark]

javascript, css, and a client who insists on "accordian effects" on their web pages... screw this, I'm going home! :banghead:

[asp_125]

Moving targets, failure to plan, last minute changes, competeing priorities.. but thankful for a paycheck that allows me to put up with that BS.

[salsashark]

but thankful for a paycheck that allows me to put up with that BS.

werd :up:

[puckstr]

"your headlight is out."


I heard that shit all the time. So I just rode with the hi-beams on

[salsashark]

just got home from work and had to add a new one... jury duty.

[puckstr]

just got home from work and had to add a new one... jury duty.


Top Ten Ways to Get (kicked) Out of Jury Duty

1.Pretend to be completely skittish—terrified even—of the court, the judge, the officers and bailiff. Squirm uncomfortably in your seat, sort of like you have bad cramps or gas. Look around constantly with a nervous “I’m gonna barf’ look on your face, cringe whenever the bailiff moves, and wince a little when the judge talks. After a little while, you will inevitably be asked why you are acting in such a manner. Take advantage of this by quaking under the judges direct attention, talking like a terrified public speaker, and say something to the effect of: “Your honor, the courts and cops make me real nervous. I always get terrified like I might go to jail [gag a little after this word]. Where’s the nearest bathroom, I think I’m gonna blow!” I guarantee you will be personally escorted out of the building.



2.When the judge questions you, say something like “Oh no, your honor, I really do want to serve. See, I’ve always had a tendency towards reading peoples mind, and I always dreamed of using it for good. Now I get the chance to send this guilty person to jail!”

3. Wear a t-shirt that says “It costs a lot to house prisoners. Capital punishment for all!!”


4.Write a highly opinionated, articulate, confidant, and frank letter stating the reasons why you feel the entire justice system as a whole is a load of crap and that you could never find someone guilty under such a faulty system.

5.Cross your arms, squint your eyes, and say “my grandpa was a cop. I know all about YOU attorneys.”

6.Whip out a notebook, take furious notes as soon as you enter the room, ask the attorneys and judge annoying questions, and express a great desire to be on the jury. Tell them that you are a writer, and that you will be the next Grisham. Then ask the judge if you can quote him/her in your book.

7.Scratch your head furiously, like an insane maniac, groan and pull at your hair. Then raise your hand, say you think you have lice, and ask if the bailiff can check your head for bugs.

8.Ask a fellow potential juror if they wish to get out of duty. If they do, set up a scene where you pretend to be ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/friends who can’t stand each other. Start yelling and arguing about something from your ‘past’. You may be forcefully removed, but you will be removed nonetheless.

9.Pretend to have a sinus infection. Constantly blow your nose, and just when you can’t get more irritating, “run” out of tissue and simply resort to sucking the snot up your nose. Your fellow jurors will likely kick you out.

10.If all else fails and you’re really desperate, run to the nearest Army recruiter and enlist.

I hope you have found this list useful. All of these tactics will likely get you out of jury duty. Just remember: you must know no shame. Nothing is beneath you.

Not even soiling yourself.

</U>