living will

[Mother Goose]

I, _________________________ (fill in the blank), being of sound mind
and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of peckerwood politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it. If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to sit up and ask for a cold beer, it should be presumed that I won't do so ever again. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my spouse, children and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.

Under no circumstances shall the members of the Legislature enact a
special law to keep me on life-support machinery. It is my wish that these
boneheads mind their own damn business, and pay attention instead to the health, education and future of the millions of Americans who aren't in a permanent coma and who nonetheless may be in need of nourishment.

Under no circumstances shall any politicians butt into this case. I don't care how many fundamentalist votes they're trying to scrounge for their run for the presidency in 2008, it is my wish that they play politics with someone else's life and leave me alone to die in peace. I couldn't care less if a hundred religious zealots send e-mails to legislators in which they pretend to care about me. I don't know these people, and I certainly haven't authorized them to preach and/or crusade on my behalf. They should mind their own damn business, too. If any of my family goes against my wishes and turns my case into a political cause, I hereby promise to come back from the grave and make his or her existence a living hell.

[Mel]

To my friends and family,

Here is my living will (apologies to Robert Friedman, St. Petersburg Times).

* In the event I lapse into a persistent vegetative state, I want medical authorities to resort to extraordinary means to prolong my hellish semiexistence. Fifteen years wouldn't be long enough for me.

* I want my wife and my parents to compound their misery by engaging n a bitter and protracted feud that depletes their emotions and their bank
accounts.

* I want my wife to ruin the rest of her life by maintaining an interminable vigil at my bedside. I'd be really jealous if she waited less than a decade to start dating again or otherwise rebuilding a semblance of a normal life.

* I want my case to be turned into a circus by losers and crackpots from
around the country who hope to bring meaning to their empty lives by investing the same transient emotion in me that they once reserved for
Laci Peterson, Chandra Levy and that little girl who got stuck in a well.

* I want those crackpots to spread vicious lies about my wife.

* I want to be placed in a hospice where protesters can gather to bring
further grief and disruption to the lives of dozens of dying patients
and families whose stories are sadder than my own.

* I want the people who attach themselves to my case because of their
deep devotion to the sanctity of life to make death threats against any
judges, elected officials or health care professionals who disagree with
them.

* I want the medical geniuses and philosopher kings who populate the
California Legislature to ignore me for more than a decade and then turn
my case into a forum for weeks of politically calculated bloviation.

* I want total strangers - oily politicians, maudlin news anchors,
ersatz friars and all other hangers-on - to start calling me "Jonny," as
if they had known me since childhood.

* I'm not insisting on this as part of my directive, but it would be
nice if Congress passed a "Jonny's Law" that applied only to me and
ignored the medical needs of tens of millions of other Americans without
adequate health coverage.

* Even if the "Jonny's Law" idea doesn't work out, I want Congress -
especially all those self-described conservatives who claim to believe
in "less government and more freedom" - to trample on the decisions of
doctors, judges and other experts who actually know something about case. And I want members of Congress to launch into an extended debate that gives them another excuse to avoid pesky issues such as national security and the economy.

* In particular, I want House Majority Leader Tom DeLay to use my case
as an opportunity to divert the country's attention from the mounting
political and legal troubles stemming from his slimy misbehavior.

* And I want Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist to make a mockery of his
Harvard medical degree by misrepresenting the details of my case in ways that might give a boost to his 2008 presidential campaign.

* I want Frist and the rest of the world to judge my medical condition
on the basis of a snippet of dated and demeaning videotape that should
have remained private.

* Because I think I would retain my sense of humor even in a persistent
vegetative state, I'd want President Bush - the same guy who publicly
mocked Karla Faye Tucker when signing off on her death warrant as
governor of Texas - to claim he was intervening in my case because it is
always best "to err on the side of life."

* And because any of the Bushes are the smartest and most righteous
human beings on the face of the Earth, I want any and all of the
aforementioned directives to be disregarded if any Bush happens to
disagree with them. If they say they know what's best for me, I won't be
in any position to argue.

[Monkey]

haha..thats awesome.. I forwarded it to my lawyer :)