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Thread: GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2007

  1. #1
    Pierced Member M-18Taser's Avatar
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    GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2007

    This was e-mailed to me... might be kinda old or some of you may have already seen it... but for those who haven't, this is some funny stuff!

    New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a
    reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
    particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the
    football team is doing these days -- he's mowing my lawn.

    New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
    you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was
    found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What
    did you expect it to contain? Lobster?


    New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
    blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description
    for these
    kids: "Lucky bastards."


    New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,
    you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols.
    If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.


    New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care
    about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.


    New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole
    aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery
    taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want
    flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.


    New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a
    redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top
    is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it,
    his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved
    the Social Security crisis .


    New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole.
    If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande, half-soy,
    half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra
    dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one utraSweet," ooh, you're a huge a**hole.


    New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my
    card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount,
    deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the
    kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.


    New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven
    deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive
    Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting.
    What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that.
    It's called "The Howard Stern Show."


    New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for
    M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.


    New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy,
    old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a
    remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's
    remember the reason something was a television show in the first place
    is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.


    New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
    weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
    Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you
    isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.


    New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom
    attendants.After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint
    like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's
    supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to
    be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.


    New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear "27
    months." "He's two" will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't
    really care in the first place.


    New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that
    pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or
    tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future
    around saying, "Do you want fries with that?"
    You may not like me for who or what I stand for, but who the hell are you to judge me???
    DPO is now in the HOUSE!!!!

  2. #2
    Senior Member leviathin's Avatar
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    Re: GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2007

    george carlin kicks ass
    THE HIGHER...... THE FEWER


    "But I, being poor, have only my dreams,
    I have spread my dreams under your feet,
    tread softly because you tread on my dreams."
    -Yeats


    "HOW IS IT POSSIBLE...... I STILL HAVE SO MUCH TO LEARN ???"

  3. #3
    Resident Hater Site Admin Canuck's Avatar
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    Re: GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2007

    RIP Gene. You are a good friend that will be missed. I'm Gene Bazyl Bitch!!

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