Hey limp dick... you win the vaganitus award for '03... I am confident that the remaining 354 days out of this year won't be ringing in any posts which will bump you off of the pussy of the year platform after this request. You are indeed a true squid and deserve everything coming your way as you learn to wheelie. Have you even found out how fast you can stop, transition, anything? Or have you not even taken the warning sticker off of your fuel tank? Confused? ok, back to riding long big dick wheelies... cause that is what you need, right? gotcha...
Ok fuck - what you need to do is stand on your seat and with your left hand, wave at all the import car kooks in thier cut springs, stock prelude with missing hub caps and go fast tape on the bumper... as you are waving, make sure you use the very popular Rose Parade "Turn the lightbulb" style hand movement... now as you are standing there, waving at the kooks you are trying to impress, like the hot chick in the passenger seat of the primered honda with 3 other dicks in the car, because for sure once she sees you on one tire, will drop trou - and come a runnin... oh wait, wheelies - right.
Ok - acorn dick, what gear are you in again? wait, you need to be shifting "and the whole nine yards" by this summer... or your chances of losing your virginity go right out the winder, huh! ok, back to wheelies... assuming you know how to position yourself on the bike, are familiar with your clutch grab and heat... tire temp and road composition - too much? ok, so anyway, you are on the street in the middle of the lane with all the leftover oil and shit, running your 207 ZR's five minutes out of your trailor park in say... second gear. Now what we are going to do here is dip your stock fucking clutch all the way to the grip... now pay attention fuck-o, this is where it gets complicated... now - you are going to want to say hello to mr. Rev Limiter for a good 3 seconds - now you have to multi-task here, because while you are familiarizing yourself with absolute bullshit abuse on your bike with your right hand, take your left and double check that you do not have nuts... once confirmed, still on the limiter, you with me? okay - so no balls, abusing your motor and getting ready for the fun part... you need to have some style here bro, so another tip would be to remove your jacket and possibly your helmet too... now go to e-bay and buy yourself a Curious George shirt, doctors love that shit... oh wait - left hand - clutch in - right hand, wide fucking open... drop the clutch and do it so fast that you shake the triples... that way you get that crossed up effect as you near 6" - - that's the tire off the ground, not you dick...
ok, so as your front end lightens up - you want to do a massive shoulder shrug as to imitate that your upper body is responsible for the front end elevation (chicks dig that part) - and once you feel like you are going to flip, well that means you have breached the 1 foot mark - now this is where the learning curve turns into a brick... most guys take a season to get past this all the way to the balance point... but we don't have that luxury do we... your virginity is on the line!!! so, now your ass is puckered, the chicks are flashing their tits, you have yanked your massive squid transport system off the ground with just your arms and you are at 1 foot... mind you now, this all must take place in less than one second!... okay, so when you feel like you are going to flip, take your left hand and slowly slide it off the clip on and point at somebody, doesn't matter who, as long as you line your index up with a witness... this way, when you double that fucking thing over and that witness is telling the paramedics what happened, he will say that for .000009 seconds - you were the MAN! now if you don't get that index to lock on a witness, you are merely a statistic... that is critical to fucks like you... you are going to have to be able to tell the story about the day you did a 200 mile an hour wheelie in front of a chinese restaurant and "pointed" at your bro on the curb... and it must have been that man hole cover that sent the whole thing wrong... but hey - you may get if you pull it off.
Cheers Cheese-Dick - I hope your bike lasts you longer than a month, and ultimately you grow into a nice squid bitch with fur and chrome alike...
Take care, happy new year, and don't forget to post your the pics of the aftermath and request parts from all of us, I know some guys that can rebuild a TLR faster than punks like you can crash em...
You are truely a stupid fuck."
Originally Posted by ~Barn~
Remember too, that it's vital that the hoes see you, while you're getting better. Don't make the mistake that so many do, of wearing a helmet or gloves or anything. Proper traffic stunting is a solid 75% showmanship and marketability. You don't see professional surfers wearing life jackets, do you?This is ridiculous. Bitches/Ho's, motor boating?? Come on!!
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