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Thread: Best Divorce Letter Ever!!!

  1. #1
    Senior Member Dr. Joe Siphek's Avatar
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    Best Divorce Letter Ever!!!

    Dear Connie,

    I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during
    our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't
    care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says: "There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Gosh, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you. Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday
    Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of
    lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story.
    Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're
    banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the
    sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does
    when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your
    grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it,
    right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad,
    too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror
    on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never
    used it as a sex toy."
    Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I
    mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us.
    But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby
    sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you? It's true, Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can.
    If you feel the same please, please, please let me know. Otherwise, can you let me know where the remote is?

    Love,
    Chuck.
    ~Travis~
    It's okay...I'm a Doctor.
    Originally Posted by Keyser Soze
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  2. #2
    Senior Member Big-J's Avatar
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  3. #3
    Senior Member thunderseye's Avatar
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    thats awesome

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    csc representing

  4. #4
    Member RaverDude's Avatar
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    bwahahahahagagaga *cough* that was hillarious, thank god i swallowed my pepsi before reading it!!!
    Sometimes...
    You can Cry until there is nothing wet in you.
    You can Scream and Curse to where your throat rebels and ruptures.
    You can Pray, all you want, to whatever god you think will listen. And, still, it makes NO difference.
    It goes on, with no sign as to when it might release you.
    And you know, that if it ever did relent...

    It would not be because it cared.

    -Written in blood
    before everything
    went black.

  5. #5
    Senior Member friscokidd's Avatar
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    that was fukin awsome
    ~MR. PISSY PANTS~
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  6. #6
    Still a Major Assh0le Monkey's Avatar
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    emailed to my friend who is filing for divorce this coming week.. his wife has gone off the deep end.. she can smell 'magical auras'

  7. #7
    Member panther's Avatar
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    that is an awesome letter . That could be a good break up letter as well.

    Jay
    Be safe.
    Be fun.
    Be free.

  8. #8
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    OMG that was some great reading
    hey guys ah you know it's funny these people go to sleep, they think everythings fine, everythings good...they wake up the next day and they're on fire


    R.I.P. 2k4 gsx-r 600 orange/blk (Stolen 10-23-05)

  9. #9
    Gold Member Yearly Supporter McVaaahhh's Avatar
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    I don't care who you are, that's funny!
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