One day a wife complained, "This wall clock almost killed my mother today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch."

The husband grunted and replied, "The damn clock always was slow."



A blind man was walking down the street with his dog. They stopped at the corner to wait for the passing traffic. The dog, at this point, started pissing on the man’s leg. As the dog finished, the man reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a doggie treat and started waving it at the dog. A passerby saw all the events happening and was shocked. He approached the blind man and asked how he could possibly reward the dog for such a nasty deed.

The blind man replied, "Oh I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his ass."



One day, Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.

Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse.

“My wife,” the man replied.

“I’m sorry,” said Dave. “What happened to her?”

“My dog bit her and she died.” Dave then asked who was in the second hearse.

The man replied, “My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well.”

“Can I borrow your dog?”

“Get in line,” replied the man.