I need advice

[nattynoo]

My ex died of cancer on Monday of this week. We broke up about a year and a half after he was diagnosed, but we were able to remain friends for the rest of his battle. I knew him better than any other person, we were together for almost 8 years. I am going to skip the majority of the story, but in the end his family does not want me at his funeral because they are still upset about the breakup.

I have asked the opinions of most of my friends and family and they all say that I should go, because I have a right to pay my respects to him just like everyone else.

I want to opinions and advice of non biased people so I thought that I would turn to the good CSC members for it...

So, what should I do?

[Mother Goose]

Like I said on FB. This is about him, not the family. If he wanted you as a friend, HE would want you there @ the services.

[Devaclis]

Pay your respects. There are a lot of things that some people need to have closure. If you do not get the chance to do this you may live with regret.

Sorry for your loss. Do what you need to do, not what others want you to do.

[jimwallace]

i agree with mother goose. this is his funeral. the only question you need to ask yourself is "would HE want me there". now that being said, the hard part is you also have to be brutally honest with youreself when you answer the question.

[SaShWhO]

I'd go fo sho.
may he RIP

[nattynoo]

I agree with you all. But I don't want to cause a bunch of drama at his funeral. I know that he would want me there, but he also wouldn't want a bunch of drama to come from me showing my face there....

And I certainly don't want to be kicked out.

[konichd]

If you do not go you will regret it. I can live with people being mad at me, its much harder to live being mad at yourself..............

[Sortarican]

I've seen this happen with other people's families.
Trust me, the same people who don't want you there will later complain that you didn't have the decency to attend.
So you're damned if you do and damned if you don't.

IMHO, a funeral is more for the living then it is for the deceased.
If you need to attend to help with your closure, (and you think your ex would have wanted you there), then go.
Keep a low profile for the sake of his family. But go.

[jimwallace]

if you dont mind, i wonder if the family feels that the cancer was part of the reason of the breakup. if thats the case they may feel you abandoned him and that is why they are holding the grudge. if this is the case then you can bet there will be a scene, in which case i would probably hang at the far edge of the crowd and wait till most everyone left before i approached to pay my respects.

[SaShWhO]

if you wanna prevent potential drama just be that person, like in the movies, that stands off sides until the people are gone and then go over and pay your respect one on one.

[MetaLord 9]

If you do not go you will regret it. I can live with people being mad at me, its much harder to live being mad at yourself..............

+1

Go for you because you loved him and he loved you back. Stand in the back if you must, be discreet if you can. If they don't like you then they won't stay in touch with you so don't let a group of people to whom you may never speak again ruin an opportunity that you will regret not attending for the rest of your life.

[nattynoo]

So, what am I supposed to do or say if they try and kick me out or cause issues?

[jimwallace]

well honestly a graveyard is privately owned plots in a semi-public area. unless you are standing on a grave that they own the deed to then they have no rights or ability to kick you out.

[MetaLord 9]

You ask them for a few hours of peace as a reprieve in consideration of their lost son, after which they may resume their normal lives which you will respectfully stay out of.

[jimwallace]

and if they try to make a scene, CALMLY ask them if they are composing themselves in a manner that would make the deceased proud.

[Mother Goose]

That you're there to pay your respects to him. Not there to start anything with them.

[Canuck]

I don't know the whole story so myself and most others wouldn't be able to give you proper advice on the matter.
My only question is, did he tell his family a different story about what happened in the relationship, or how he felt. As compaired to how you know it, or how he told you his feelings about it.
Maybe there are two different variations to the story that have you and the family on different paths.
Maybe he really still loved you after the break-up (and not in just a freindly way) and his family knows how he really felt about it. Thus there attitude towards you.

These are just theories that I am throwing out there.

[nattynoo]

if you dont mind, i wonder if the family feels that the cancer was part of the reason of the breakup. if thats the case they may feel you abandoned him and that is why they are holding the grudge. if this is the case then you can bet there will be a scene, in which case i would probably hang at the far edge of the crowd and wait till most everyone left before i approached to pay my respects.

There is not doubt in my mind that they think I broke things off because he was sick. Yeah, it caused a lot of problems in our relationship but that is most certainly not the reason. Like I said earlier I don't want to go into great detail of the situation. If anything I think that me breaking up with him got him to realize that he needed to take care of himself better, and lived longer because of it. BUT his family never gave me a chance to explain to them why we broke up. Rob tried but they have their own opinions I guess. If they wouldn't listen to their own son then why would they listen to me?

[Sortarican]

So, what am I supposed to do or say if they try and kick me out or cause issues?

Leave quietly and return afterward to pay your respects.

I doubt it would be the case though.
One friend's funeral the guy who ran off with the deceased's wife attended and people just gave him the cold shoulder but didn't kick him out.
At another one a girl's ex (who we all were pretty sure had something to do with her murder) attended and he wasn't kicked out.

[Sully]

Sorry for your loss Natty.. but why do you have to explain anything to his family about your relationship with their son? That was between you two IMO.. and I'm sure he knew how you felt about him. Do what's best for you to have closure.

[nattynoo]

I don't know the whole story so myself and most others wouldn't be able to give you proper advice on the matter.
My only question is, did he tell his family a different story about what happened in the relationship, or how he felt. As compaired to how you know it, or how he told you his feelings about it.
Maybe there are two different variations to the story that have you and the family on different paths.
Maybe he really still loved you after the break-up (and not in just a freindly way) and his family knows how he really felt about it. This there attitude towards you.

These are just theories that I am throwing out there.

I do know that he still loved me after the breakup, and I still loved him, still do. Together we were just not right, you will all have to take my word for it cuz the story is too long and personal to tell on an open forum.

I know that he told his family the right story, at least I am pretty sure. He told me he did, and I believe him. Him and I still got together for dinner and for him to spend time with the dogs on a regular basis...and his family knew that we did.

[rforsythe]

Better to go and get kicked out, than never to go at all and wonder what would have happened, regret it later, etc.

Besides I think his family will be pretty overwhelmed with the day and most likely aren't going to expend any serious effort on your part. The day is about him, not you, and no matter how angry they might be towards you I think they'll realize that. Also consider that grief makes family do irrational things (like how they're perceiving what happened), and they may come around by then.

[nattynoo]

Better to go and get kicked out, than never to go at all and wonder what would have happened, regret it later, etc.

Besides I think his family will be pretty overwhelmed with the day and most likely aren't going to expend any serious effort on your part. The day is about him, not you, and no matter how angry they might be towards you I think they'll realize that. Also consider that grief makes family do irrational things (like how they're perceiving what happened), and they may come around by then.

The rest of my family is invited to go, everyone but me. My sister asked if I could go and they said that I was not invited. So, I know that they will be keeping an eye out for me. I know his family pretty darn well. But I have no idea what they will do when they see me there.

[MetaLord 9]

If you show up, it shows them that you still love him. If you don't, you'll justify their reasoning for not liking you. Fear of their being disrespectful is not worth letting this pass you by.