How do you deal with a breakup???

[TurboGizzmo]

After getting the "news" after a 9 year long marriage of "happiness" with 2 beautiful kids, Ive jumbled a few cathartic reminders to help me get through the day

1. I allow myself a healthy level of Tourettes ... *BITCH*... excuse me
2. I allow myself to be a little more schizophrenic... ie... the other voice stops me from doing the stupid stuff "Do you really think draping her lingerie across her car while on fire would send the right message?" "No I guess not"... kicks absent pebble
3. Remember that Sam Kinison still has valuable nuggets of wisdom
4. And every day is a day to look forward to something better than looking back at something you had no control over...
5. Guilt is a wasted emotion ... but Anger.... ie...
6. When everyone says "Hey you got crapped on..." its ok the remember you deserve better.
7. Realize that lessons will be learned in time... they always do

and I also came across the 180 steps... which really have been helping me a lot through this (not all of it mind you)... but obviously its not for everyone situation.

Nice steps, even though as far as i know there was no one else, they are still very good read and of course while I dont have paperwork of a devoice, 6yrs is still awhile to me....I have tried to be very neutral, despite one big break down at one point from me, I didnt yell or argue just spilled my guts while she just sat and stared...and she didnt say much other than "I've never seen you like this"

One part of me would really like to say "Do you realize what you are doing?" "If you really wanted out couldnt we've picked a better way?" "Couldnt we've talked a bit before this?" "As much as this was our relationship there are waves going out effecting others..."

Oh well I digress to still trying to keep it together, trying to be productive at work so i dont get let go and trying to keep my personal business running.

I joke and say my last 6 year investment has failed just like everyone elses investments.....just wish i would get a magic bailout

[jimwallace]

Does anyone else believe there is an untold story here?

yeah....she sounds somewhat bitter....slightly like a pissed off bra burner.



no offense meant, it just sounds very angry

[Wyck]

Hahaha didn't you read any of her other posts in this thread? They were all kinda like that. Angry but funny as hell

And yes obviously things are a little different when you have kids but that doesn't mean you can't take care of you. And yes when you do get in a relationship you can't spend as much time and energy on you but at the same time it can't all be about the other person or being a couple either. You always need things that are just for you otherwise you will get lost.

[Suki]

i have to put in my two cents. before alan and i got together, i was single for 5 years. i did what i wanted to do, there at the end, i got a little out of control (and this is where the self restraint would come in handy). However, in the beginning of our relationship, i was stil that girl that had her freedom BUT he also had his. We always maintained open communication, we always respected what eachother wanted to do and if there was ever anything that bothered one or the other, we let eachother know.

You can't expect anyone to just change overnight from a free/single person with no attachments/responsibilities to suddenly become that classic good ol fashion wife. it's not going to happen. there has to be adjustments made over time on both sides. If you meet someone and they're a certain way, and you develope feelings for them, then it's because of who they are both at the time you met and over the course of your relationship. You shouldn't suddenly say "hey, you need to settle your ass down and go make me a sammich." People grow together, they learn what makes the other tick. to just suddenly put it on the other person that they need to change because you've changed isn't fair. if you both aren't growing in the same direction, then whether or not one changes or doesn't change isn't going to save the relationship. you're just growing apart, that's it. and them changing or you changing isn't goinng to bring you back together, it's just going to drive the other person further away.

In our case, I had to do alot of self healing and opening my own eyes to what i wanted in my life. thankfully i had a very patient, loving, forgiving and understanding bf/husband that stood by while I made the changes that I wanted to make to better myself. If you dont fix yourself first, you can't fix your relationship.

[Suki]

Does anyone else believe there is an untold story here?

yeah....she sounds somewhat bitter....slightly like a pissed off bra burner.



no offense meant, it just sounds very angry

I'm not bitter at the moment but i can become bitter and make someone very miserable if they so chose to piss me off.

I just think that both men and women need to tell the other to fuck off and move on with their lives. why give either that much control over you?

[ghost-whiner]

I joke and say my last 6 year investment has failed just like everyone elses investments.....just wish i would get a magic bailout

I like that...
yeah ... that was one thing I forget to add... there are some enigmas that can never be solved... or at least right now...

I spend my time by trying to fill it up for now while keeping the focus on my two girls ... when Im with them and when Im not... lest I become that jaded "all women are..." person. ...

....my friends are throwing a Black Heart's Ball full of voodoo dolls and dartboards this Friday and Ive been told I wont be driving .. Im ready for that...

[jimwallace]

you are very much so right suki. i just wanted to pipe in to watch youreself because being a freebird is like anything else, too much is a bad thing. all things in moderation. for example, I like sex, id like to have sex every day, if i did what i wanted simply because i wanted to how would i look to the person i ended up liking later on down the road. its all about choices and sometimes the less appealing choice is the better one. btw im not trying to argue with you, im just playing devils advocate and showin a bit of the other side of the coin.

[Nick_Ninja]

I like that...
yeah ... that was one thing I forget to add... there are some enigmas that can never be solved... or at least right now...

I spend my time by trying to fill it up for now while keeping the focus on my two girls ... when Im with them and when Im not... lest I become that jaded "all women are..." person. ...

....my friends are throwing a Black Heart's Ball full of voodoo dolls and dartboards this Friday and Ive been told I wont be driving .. Im ready for that...

I always attend the Hookers Ball at the Pioneer Inn in Nederland for the 02/14 festivities. Good place to hook up with hookers

[ghost-whiner]

I always attend the Hookers Ball at the Pioneer Inn in Nederland for the 02/14 festivities. Good place to hook up with hookers

Do they offer Childcare?



nononoono nevermind

[Nick_Ninja]

Do they offer Childcare?



nononoono nevermind

It is a FULL SERVICE establishment

[jimwallace]

I'm not bitter at the moment but i can become bitter and make someone very miserable if they so chose to piss me off.

I just think that both men and women need to tell the other to fuck off and move on with their lives. why give either that much control over you?

i bet you can. i think we are just thinkin that for someone who is sayin just move on you still seem to have a lot of anger on the subject. and sometimes people doing all this stuff they "want to do" is just a way of them pretending that the other person has no effect on them, but in reality if thats why they are doing then they are still giving the other person control over them.

[jimwallace]

Do they offer Childcare?



nononoono nevermind

lmao.....

[Suki]

i bet you can. i think we are just thinkin that for someone who is sayin just move on you still seem to have a lot of anger on the subject. and sometimes people doing all this stuff they "want to do" is just a way of them pretending that the other person has no effect on them, but in reality if thats why they are doing then they are still giving the other person control over them.

there is no "we", you're probably the only one thinking that because a) most other's know who i am, b) most others can pick up what i'm throwin down and c) you're just always the one to go against the grain anyways.

I'd be a lying fool to sit here and say that i never went through it myself, that i never hated someone or felt bitter. I went through it 10 years ago and i learned from it. i've become a stronger, more independant person because of it. if my husband and i were to split right now, i'd be okay. there wouldn't even be pieces to pick up or put back together.

Now, the only difference is this. I am a vengeful person. in most cases, i walk away. depending on the severity of what whoever does to me is going to determine the amount of misery i will put them through.

Childish, yes. do i care? no.

[jimwallace]

there is no "we", you're probably the only one thinking that because a) most other's know who i am, b) most others can pick up what i'm throwin down and c) you're just always the one to go against the grain anyways.

I'd be a lying fool to sit here and say that i never went through it myself, that i never hated someone or felt bitter. I went through it 10 years ago and i learned from it. i've become a stronger, more independant person because of it. if my husband and i were to split right now, i'd be okay. there wouldn't even be pieces to pick up or put back together.

Now, the only difference is this. I am a vengeful person. in most cases, i walk away. depending on the severity of what whoever does to me is going to determine the amount of misery i will put them through.

Childish, yes. do i care? no.

well 1. you think there is no "we". it seemed to me snowman may have picked up on that too. 2. youre right i dont know you. 3. i have picked up on what you have said and i was simply adding to it. but if it seems like im disagreeing sorry, and if it bothers you to have someone disagree the only way to avoid that is to avoid posting an opinion. 4. i dont always go against the grain. i go both with it and against it depending on the situation. i look at things logically and fair and from both sides and if there is one side thats not getting as much light as the other i try to even it out. im not one of those people who sticks to one side believing im always right. and 5. not to be nosin in, but if youre relationship ended and you had no "peices to pick up or put back together" then i would say there is something slightly unhealthy going on. not judging and that is just my opinion but seems to me no matter what the situation if there are feelings involved then there are always peices to pick up and put back together.

[Mel]

Now, the only difference is this. I am a vengeful person. in most cases, i walk away. depending on the severity of what whoever does to me is going to determine the amount of misery i will put them through.

Childish, yes. do i care? no.

So....what you are saying is, I should tell you what I have been through, and let you get revenge? Because I unfortunately, am not a vengeful person...at all...no matter how hard I try. And I am pretty sure a couple of the things I allowed to happen deserve, well, something....

[Suki]

well then you and i do not share the same views in relationships.

I don't need to pick up any pieces to know that there was/is something there. The health of a relationship isn't based on what WAS there, because once you've reached that point, there is no healthy relationship. think about it. if you're thinking about the was, past, if, whatever, then your relationship has already reached the point where you're either questioning it, regretting it, or wishing it were the way it was x amount of months/years ago. So when i say that i wouldn't have to pick up any pieces, i say that because at this point right now (which is what i originally said) we're both on the same level. if we were to split right now, it would be because we've reached a part in our relationship where we can't fix it, have exhausted all means of fixing it, or one or both just don't want to fix it. and at that point, we're walking away with our lives in tact, no pieces to pick up.


my viewpoint on "picking up pieces" is that you have to do so when you are just totally caught off gaurd and your life is torn apart. which happens in alot of relationships. if down the road, i'm thinking everything is going great, alan is boinking some college girl and suddenly i'm served with divorce papers then yes. i would have been caught off gaurd, everything would be turned upside down, i'd be confused, pissed off, and faced with having to start all over. thus.. picking up the pieces.

[Suki]

So....what you are saying is, I should tell you what I have been through, and let you get revenge? Because I unfortunately, am not a vengeful person...at all...no matter how hard I try. And I am pretty sure a couple of the things I allowed to happen deserve, well, something....

tell me where he hangs out and i shall put on my steel toes and promptly kick him in his hollow balls.

[jimwallace]

well then you and i do not share the same views in relationships.

I don't need to pick up any pieces to know that there was/is something there. The health of a relationship isn't based on what WAS there, because once you've reached that point, there is no healthy relationship. think about it. if you're thinking about the was, past, if, whatever, then your relationship has already reached the point where you're either questioning it, regretting it, or wishing it were the way it was x amount of months/years ago. So when i say that i wouldn't have to pick up any pieces, i say that because at this point right now (which is what i originally said) we're both on the same level. if we were to split right now, it would be because we've reached a part in our relationship where we can't fix it, have exhausted all means of fixing it, or one or both just don't want to fix it. and at that point, we're walking away with our lives in tact, no pieces to pick up.


my viewpoint on "picking up pieces" is that you have to do so when you are just totally caught off gaurd and your life is torn apart. which happens in alot of relationships. if down the road, i'm thinking everything is going great, alan is boinking some college girl and suddenly i'm served with divorce papers then yes. i would have been caught off gaurd, everything would be turned upside down, i'd be confused, pissed off, and faced with having to start all over. thus.. picking up the pieces.

that makes sense. i was veiwing it in the its over now what sense. not the we are going our seperate ways. i honestly dont know many people who have been lucky enough to have a peaceful seperating of ways.

[Mel]

that makes sense. i was veiwing it in the its over now what sense. not the we are going our seperate ways. i honestly dont know many people who have been lucky enough to have a peaceful seperating of ways.

You know, stupidly enough, my marriage of 9 years ended peacefully, even with a child. There were no fights on stuff, sharing of custody, nothing. We still talk almost daily, laugh about things, and still back each other up for the most part on things with our daughter. But, as Suki said, after 9 years of marriage, we both knew that it was over, there was nothing left to keep fighting for, and we both knew we would be happier not continuing to fight a losing battle.

I think that both coming to terms with the ending of something together is a lot different than happily kissing someone good night after spending the evening together and getting told "oh hey, btw, never really gave a shit about you. sorry"

[Suki]

oh, and snowman always heckles me because he has a crush on me. it's been ongoing for like 4 years now. But i don't want to break his heart so i go along with it.

i wuv you snowbunny!

[jimwallace]

oh, and snowman always heckles me because he has a crush on me. it's been ongoing for like 4 years now. But i don't want to break his heart so i go along with it.

i wuv you snowbunny!

see, i learn more and more every day.

[Snowman]

that makes sense. i was veiwing it in the its over now what sense. not the we are going our seperate ways. i honestly dont know many people who have been lucky enough to have a peaceful seperating of ways.

Suki and peaceful are contradictory terms. Like painless impalement.


Oh and I love you to dear…

[Nick_Ninja]

plus i will admit i have become somewhat spiteful due to my own circumstances. i have tried to be a friend to her, i helped her move, twice, i have been storing the stuff she doesnt have room for, i have been paying her car insurance, and i even signed as guarantor for her 1 yr lease on her apartment. she doesnt even talk to me cept when she needs something. which i am done with now. but apparently she only married me because she had gotten pregnant, she has implied that she never loved me. i have come to the conclusion that the reason she left is because she got tired of the responsibilities that come with a family, and wants to be single and party it up. so needless to say i have been burned. however i still try to look at it fairly, which is why i tried to be her friend, but she obviously doesnt want to even be on friendly terms so from now on it is simply "parenting business" between the two of us.

If nothing more, you are at least a chief enabler. It appears that you have overt nurturing needs as well. There is a fine line between 'helping' an ex out in the auspices of being 'kind' and a totally different genera offering assistance for your own charitable (read control) needs. This is just an observation on my behalf from reading your posts. Nothing personal.

Dr. Ninja out.

[jimwallace]

actually nick i feel you are correct. although i wouldnt agree completely with the control, but i would definitely agree if someone said that it was a part of me hoping that by being good to her she would decide that perhaps she was making the wrong decision and come back, but it is enabling none the less. and as i said i am done with that.