> > One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
> >
> > The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
> >
> > When she asked me why, I replied,
> >
> > "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
> >
> > And that's how the fight started.....
> >
> > ________________________________
> >
> >
> > My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
> >
> > I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
> >
> > 'No,' she answered. I then said,
> >
> > 'Is that your final answer?'
> >
> > She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
> >
> > So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
> >
> > And that's when the fight started...
> >
> > ________________________________
> >
> >
> > I took my wife to a restaurant.
> >
> > The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
> >
> > "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
> >
> > He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
> >
> > "Nah, she can order for herself."
> >
> > And that's when the fight started.....
> >
> > _______________________________
> >
> >
> > My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
> > reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
> >
> > I asked her, "Do you know him?"
> >
> > "Yes", she sighed,
> >
> > "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
> >
> > "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
> >
> > And then the fight started...
> >
> > ________________________________
> >
> >
> > When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
> >
> > When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
> >
> > The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
> >
> > ______________________________
> >
> >
> > My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
> >
> > She asked, "What's on TV?"
> >
> > I said, "Dust."
> >
> > And then the fight started...
> >
> > ________________________________
> >
> >
> > Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the oat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
> >
> > I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible"
> >
> > My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
> >
> > And that's how the fight started...
> >
> > _______________________________
> >
> >
> > My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
> >
> > She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
> >
> > I bought her a bathroom scale.
> >
> > And then the fight started......
> >
> > ______________________________
> >
> >
> > After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
> >
> > The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
> >
> > I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
> >
> > The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
> >
> > So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
> >
> > She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
> >
> > When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
> >
> > And then the fight started...
> >
> > ________________________________
> >
> >
> > My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
> >
> > She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
> >
> > "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
> >
> > I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
> >
> > And then the fight started........
> >
> > ________________________________
> >
> >
> > I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
> >
> > The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
> >
> > He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
> >
> > So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
> >
> > That's how the fight started.
Reply With Quote
Originally Posted by Joew4505
