Retirement Day One

[dapper]

Forwarded...Subject: Retirement Day One


My wife is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something
akin to "Well, I have outdone myself once again." No doubt you will see
this true story chronicled in a Lifetime movie in the near future. Here
goes.

On my first day of retirement, I bought something at the Police Supply Shop
that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily
tickled). I bought something really cool for my wife. The occasion is my
retirement and I was looking for a little something extra for my lovely
bride.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a
clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a
less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an
assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you
flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no
long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time
to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed
assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering,
goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never
seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out -- way too
cool! I've seen several demonstrations for cops, but I found this handheld
one for civilians.

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA
batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so
disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin'
directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not
create an arc between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for
effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it
against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting
back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did it.

Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arc of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee...
I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to
her what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, etc., etc.

There I sat in my recliner, her cat looking on intently (trusting little
soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not the cat) and thinking
that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I
must admit I thought about zapping the cat for a fraction of a second and
thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty after all. But, if I was
going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I
did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I
wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time. So, there I sat in
a pair of shorts with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of
my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in the other. The directions said
that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a
two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily
control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on
the ground like a fish out of water.

All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two
itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!"

Friggin' way - trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself. What happened next
is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me
well have got a pretty good idea of what followed.

I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with her head cocked to one side
as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such
a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking
under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a
one-second burst just for the hell of it.

(Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight-- always twenty-twenty. It
is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it
seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?) I touched the prongs to my
naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY ****! DAaaaaMN!!! I'm pretty sure
that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that
recliner then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely
recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire,
testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my
body in the oddest position. The cat was standing over me making sounds I
had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself,
"do it again, do it again!"

(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of
caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself.
You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your
hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you
won't lodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.)

SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was
a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had
left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the
mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh
and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up
with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs., give or take an ounce or
two, I'm pretty sure. By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they
ran away. I'm offering a reward.

They're round. Miss 'em...! sure would like to get'em back.

I wonder what retirement day two will bring?

[Spiderman]

[~Barn~]

Did the same thing, but not on naked skin. It definitely can light you up, but nothing you can't grit your teeth and stand. I probably wouldn't suggest a female try it.

Then again, the one I did it with a 9-volt, and not AAA's. I have no idea how much voltage it got me with.

Anyway, I wouldn't consider those things any real sort of self defense tool, if you're dealing with somebody who's super-pissed or on drugs or whatever.