Children die everyday from horrible diseases, but that doesn’t mean they have to go down without a fight. Here at the Charles Bronson Make-a-Death-Wish Foundation, we understand the embarrassment that comes from dying of leukemia or polio or even smallpox. We help children of all ages come to grips with their daunting fate the only way we know how - blind vigilante justice!
Why go out wearing a sissy hospital gown when you can meet your maker engaging in bloody gun battle with a professional killer? If you think this is too good to be true, then you are a bleeding heart liberal pussy and we will hit you in the mouth with the business end of a 45.
It’s easy to make your death wish come true, and here’s how:
Download the application
Fill out our one page application using the blood of a random street thug. The more exotic the ethnicity, the better your chances.
Along with your application, send in a 7,500 word comparison/contrast essay exploring the various styles of Bronson's mustache in each installment of the Death Wish quintology. What do you think it smelled like? Be creative.
The Waiting Game
Once your death wish has been accepted, we will send one of our well-trained Charles Bronson look-a-like vigilantes right to your front door! Have Dad keep the cabinets stocked with scotch and cigars. Scotch is mustache fertilzer!
Too weak to answer the door? Not to worry. Charlie Mustache will beat down your door with a flaming baseball bat, or a swift roundhouse kick, no charge.
Watch out, Mom! That's right, each and every one of our Bronsons have been trained to believe everyone in their path is a drug dealing, child raping, wife murderer who must be destroyed at all costs. This would be a great time to book that Florida vacation!
Fight to the Death
You'll be the envy of all your friends! Wait until they find out that their weak little buddy with the brain tumor took a hand grenade to the face from a Charles Bronson look-a-like! Totally Awesome!
What if you survive?
Don't worry, you won't. We make death-wishes come true. It's who we are.
The Make-a-Death-wish foundation was created in 2003 after rumors spread that Charles Bronson had died at the age of 81 from pneumonia. That rumor was complete bullshit. Bronson had killed over 22,000 nameless street punks in his career and would have beat the shit out of pneumonia in a fight. Bronson was actually mauled to death by three Polar Bears with switch blades. They first raped his wife, then his daughter, then Bronson himself. As he lay to rest in a pool of polar bear semen, he spoke his final words.
We couldn't really understand what he said, but were 38% certain that he mentioned something about a foundation.
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