Piece of String

[shift shiftly]

well there's this piece of string and he's having an awfull day.....
so he walks into a bar for a desperately needed beer goes upto the bar and says bartended gimme a budwieser !
the bartender looks at the piece of string with amazement and confusion He replies I cant serve you here your a piece of string !
Sooo the piece of string leaves even more upset and unaccepted
he storms out not watching where he was going unaware of the semi truck heading his way ! Blammmm !
now he's all tangled up twisted and fraid at the ends.......
he marches right back into that bar and demands a BEER !!
the bartender says arent you the piece of string that was just in here ?
The string replies "NO im a fraid not"

Shift

[Aracheon]

....

That was bad.

[shift shiftly]

lol ...............

Shift

[Tipys]

plus 1

[shift shiftly]

Tipys do you have the day off ? wanna do lunch or go for a spin??

Shift

[asp_125]

Man walks into a bar.....








and says OUCH!

[pilot]

That piece of string joke is a classic. OK to tell kids, too. I like it.

Now, there's the one about three guys that go into the desert....

[Tipys]

Naw I do not have the day off due to my roommate. And my project bike i need all the money i can get right now other wise I would be all for it.

[Devaclis]

Know how to catch a polar bear?


Dig a big hole in the ice





Put a bunch of peas around that hole



When the polar bear comes by and he tries to take a pea, kick him in the ice hole!!!

[asp_125]

Baby seal walks into a bar, bartender asks what'll you have?

Seal says "anything but a Canadian Club"

[rybo]

Guy walks into a bar and is immediately greeted by a patron sitting at the bar.

The patron says, hey, check this out! I have a talking dog. Guy says, no way, dogs can't talk. So the patron offers up a wager. I tell you what he says, I'll ask the dog a question and if he doesn't talk then I'll buy you a drink, but if he does you owe me one. The guy thinks this is a total winner for him, so he antes up.

The patron asks the dog: What's on top of a building?

Dog says: Roof!

The guy realizes he's been taken, and calls the patron out. That's cheating, he says. So the patron, offended, offers the guy a second chance. I tell you what, the patron says, double or nothing, but this time YOU can ask the question. The guy, sure he has this one takes the patron up on the deal.

Guy: "who was the greatest baseball player ever?"

Dog: "Ruth!"

Disgusted the guy throws his drink and storms out of the bar.

dog looks at it's owner and says "Guess he was a DiMaggio fan"

[siriuschris]

An old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern
and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

CHEESEBURGER: $1.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $2.50

HAND JOB: $40.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.

'Yes?' she inquires with a knowing smile, 'can I help you?

'I was wondering,' whispers the old biker, 'are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?'

'Yes,' she purrs, 'I am.'

The old biker replies, 'Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger.

[Aracheon]

An old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern
and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

CHEESEBURGER: $1.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $2.50

HAND JOB: $40.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.

'Yes?' she inquires with a knowing smile, 'can I help you?

'I was wondering,' whispers the old biker, 'are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?'

'Yes,' she purrs, 'I am.'

The old biker replies, 'Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger.

[salsashark]

Two sausages are lying in a pan next to each other.

The first sausage rolls over and says, "Boy, it's hot in this pan!"

The other sausage screams, "HOLY S*&%, A TALKING SAUSAGE!"

[pilot]

Morris and his wife Ester went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say,
'Ester, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.

'Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said,
'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride.
If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you!
But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fan cy maneuvers,
but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said,
'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Ester fell out,
but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

[Rednarb]

A horse walks into a local bar.

Bartender says, "Hey there, why the long face?"

[Devaclis]

Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some fuckin’ French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin’ French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the fuckin’ French toast."

[Sortarican]

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging from his belt. The bartender asks, "What's that for?" The pirate responds, "Aarrr, its driving me nuts".

A default Sans Serif font walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve your type here!"

A guy walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender says, "Can I help you?" The duck says, "Yeah, you can get this guy off my butt!"

A corn stalk walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wanna hear a good joke?" The corn stalk says, "I'm all ears!"

Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.

A giraffe walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Do you want a long neck?" The giraffe says, "Do I have a choice?"

A guy walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Do you want to play a game? See those two rib-eyes nailed to the ceiling? You get to throw one dart. If you hit one, you get to take them home and I'll give you a free drink." The man says, "No thanks, the steaks are too high."

A guy walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, "Can I have a bag of helicopter flavor chips?" The barkeep says, "Sorry, we only have plain."

A guy walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. "What do you call that?", asks the bartender. "I call him Tiny, because he's my newt!"

A soccer ball walks into a bar. The bartender kicked him out.


A giraffe walks into a bar. "High balls are on me!"

A magician walks down an alley and turns into a bar.

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"

A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says "We don't serve your kind here." and the mushroom says - "Why not? I'm a fungi."

An amnesiac comes into a bar. He asks, "Do I come here often?"

John Kerry, Jay Leno, and Celine Dion walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long faces?"

A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"

A man goes into a bar with a giraffe, they both get a couple of rounds in. When they get up to leave they're extremely drunk and the giraffe passes out and falls over. The man opens the door, about to leave by himself, when the bartender stops him suddenly and says, "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there!" The man turns around and slurs, "Don't be silly, that's not a lion, that's a giraffe!"

A man runs into a bar and asks the barkeep, "Give me ten shots of your best whisky." The bartender sets up the ten glasses. The man starts drinking them as quickly as the bartender serves them. The bartender asks, "Why are you drinking so fast?" "You'd drink fast too, if you had what I have." The bartender asks, "What do you have?" "Seventy cents."


A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender sets the beer down and says, "For you, no charge!"

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."

A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?" The bartender asks, "I don't know, what does he look like?"

A kangaroo walks into a bar. He orders a beer. The bartender says, "That'll be $10. You know, we don't get many kangaroos coming in here, you know." The kangaroo says, "At $10 a beer, it's not hard to understand."

A hamburger walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and hears a small voice say, "You look nice today." A few minutes later he again hears a small voice, "That's a nice shirt." The guy asks the bartender, "Who is that?" The bartender says, "Those are the peanuts. They're complimentary!"

A bear walked into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer......and some of those peanuts." The bartender says, "Why the big pause?"

A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says, "No, son, you're not." So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest says, "No, son, you're not." The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"

A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"

A goldfish walks into a bar and looks at the bartender. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The goldfish says, "Water."

Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. "I can't serve you." says the bartender. "You're Bard!"

A guy walks into a bar and there is a horse behind the bar serving drinks. The guy is just staring at the horse, when the horse says, "What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?" The guy says, "No, I never thought the parrot would sell the place."


A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, "Hey buddy, can't you read that sign? It says no dogs allowed! Get that mutt out of here!" The man replies, "No, I can't read the sign - I'm blind, and this is my seeing eye dog." The bartender is embarrassed and gives the man a beer on the house. Later that day, the guy is telling his friend about it: "I told him I was blind and I got a free beer!" The friend then takes his dog into the bar and sits down, and the bartender says, "The sign says no dogs allowed! You'll have to leave!" The friend says, "Sorry, I can't see the sign because I'm blind, and this is my seeing eye dog." The bartender replies, "Since when do they give out Chihuahuas as seeing eye dogs?" The man says, "They gave me a Chihuahua?"


A man walked into a bar holding an alligator. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" The bartender said, "Yes, we do!" "Good," replied the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my alligator."

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer, and a mop."

A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

A brain walks into a bar and orders a pint of beer. The barman says, "I'm not serving you, you're out of your skull!"

An Irishman walks out of a bar. Hey, it COULD happen!

A dyslexic guy walks into a bra.

[siriuschris]

Two peanuts were walking down the street...













One was assaulted.

[siriuschris]

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No eye deer.

What do you call a dead deer with no eyes?

Still, no eye deer.

[Devaclis]

[siriuschris]

OK WTF GDI TMI IMO FWIW

[SaShWhO]

what does an elephant use for a tampon??????????

sheep.




so i was fingering your mom the other night and after she said:
that felt really nice but next time could you take of your ring!!??

I replied---------that was my watch---biatch!


how do you know when you've landed at a gay BBQ????






all the hot dogs taste like SHIT.

[salsashark]